arvind

my whole expression of what i have to learn from the events described in my previous entry is inadequate and poor.

The absolute expression of any life situation is already there in" THE LIFE DIVINE " Only that we need to have the subtle faculty to understand them in their spirit and through our own Life experience.

And that is precisely what i found out in the chapters "knowledge by identity and separate knowledge" "memory, self-consciousness and the ignorance". Not that i haven't read them earlier just that they make sense only now, after the experience. All my experiences and learning regarding Balance, agents of division, vision, everything is there in "The Life Divine"

There is no point me discussing these further , am concluding this saying that the vital should not be allowed to influence the mental and the physical. And there is an increasing need for detachment and further knowledge to control the forces inside and the energies, and the ability to see people in the light expressed in this particular chapter.

why am in need of these knowledge like dealing with people, , it is because of this need to be with the divine,maa, the spirit of perfection, the sole light and purpose of my life. and i get that knowledge like by some kind of perfect timing. And reading backwards from the aforesaid chapters it's leading me to the chapters dealing with Brahman atman purusha prakriti ishwara divine being .......

Apart from this the most important lesson has been to stay put and fight and take things to maa with absolute faith even it be in desert like laborious repeated conditions.

this blog should stop.

of disguised, distorted tantrums and the source of my inner problems....

i mean what if the guy thinks something like this............ bro' you are selfish, you have let your mother borrow money from my mom to help yourself . unsuccessful, lacking in merit yourself and whats more jobless beggar;;;; what right you got to speak about others.........; but it seems "he" has all the right to speak about anything under the sun like it's all his dad's thing;

come on i was just giving an opinion, not even personal but about a film director who lacks in a certain department... why would he feel so offended by it in the theater and get personal at me.... the film sucked big time and no one liked it.

i don't know... a few weeks back he sought an opinion about his orchestral work from me knowing fully well that i do not belong to his field, yet i thought he respects my opinion and sent him a list of common points that i found worth mentioning. it stated the points without being rude and yet it was an honest encouraging note. But it seems to me he wasn't able to digest the honesty of that constructive criticism, although he did lip service by replying that he knew what i was talking about.and that he took it constructively.

Now man today he got a chance to get back at me. Or may be he has had some setback in his musical pursuit and he was livid with himself but whatever it is you have no right to be rude and be baseless arrogant with anyone [am reminded of my own arrogance with my poor mom a few days back.. sorry mom]. But bro' you had me dumbfounded, i couldn't keep my temper there, i fought with him and i even let his mom know of this fight. But to her i guess this is one of the hundred petty fights that i see happening between them [the mother-son fights it even happens in my own case].

But this definitely makes it difficult for me to engage in any sort of play or talk with this bloke as this is the second time this sort of a thing is happening. first time i thought mistake could have been on my side as well and tried to understand it; but second time it is quite clear the fellow thinks he is a rebel and is behaving arrogantly.

learning ............................

that is some incapacity not being able to take an honest criticism;and the thing about being rude and arrogant on the grounds that you r being burdened by a fellow doubting, fearful traveler [ my mom].

mate may be that's the work you want me to do well inside and i understand your smite and criticism lord for more detachment and mastery over the forces inside so my outside reactions could be more than the limited individual power that i seem to display and depend on during such situations.

In any case i understand that right or wrong doesn't matter in these situations as even if i had been wrong with people it still all adds up to the overall benefit for the truth to prevail.i know I've had this experience numerous times which i have recorded in this very same journal many a times each time it is a different situation different people but the stuff of the matter is the same.

But the solidity of my stuff to take the hit and yet continue this Sadhana attitude has grown over a period of time and this is the only progress i see.

i want to take this sort of a self less attitude to these kind of situations involving insults, injustice, hidden dirty balls, body line attack stuffs. ultimately i would like to place these kind of situations almost spontaneously in the hands of maa and look at an even more effective result in a less serious kind of a way, not like this- losing control and temper, ugly situations.

But this requires the grace of maa and maa am asking for these things please maa help. and regarding the financial help i got maa i put it at your feet, savitri gave me this maa hopefully it will be beneficial to all maa, in the future, my pursuits............. maa i trust you and hopefully that kid will learn his lessons.

tHANKS MAA and the reasons for which i used to "fall" seem more and more ...stupid hopefully in the future will seem absurd as well to me as these very reasons should become an easy pointer to the stuffs inside that i should work on, but this requires the considerable dynamic struggling effort, maa am learning.......... gratitude from this little soul maitri maa.

Maa but still am left with this question.... all relationship formed or forming in my life seem like they are slayed......... i do not have fond memories of people.. in my life ..... why is my life like this.........????????????? zero [real]presence of people either in my mind or in my heart............ they just stay as moving images talking with very little value,

mistakes and lessons

more important than realizing one's mistakes and lessons is "Remembering" them when life presents you the set of challenges.

The distinction between a mental control and will is getting clear. you find these the hard way at night through repeated situations. But the will is missing in or am not aware of it when it's there during sleep time.

All that am aware of during sleep is the inner beings large hidden surface nature.

other than these am unwilling to diclose a few mutual symbols between me and the d, for as i told they are mutual and each one's got to find his own with the D. life leads to the d, this is my hope and my source of motivation to meet all the challenges. the work takes time for sure............ not for the impatient and those who dont have a need for this perfection .

Agents of division - saying no to their game; this has to be done with no sense of division between the known and loved ones and the so called outside world, for as it seems clear all are one and the divisions are blurring, it's all a big scene set up i dont know for some great purpose.