Knit and Synthesize

This is something one does at each level of the ascent.That is where am right now. when you pledge yourself to a serious pursuit in line somehow with a spiritual endeavor as well, even if this pursuit be a worldly one, two things happen.what are they. If you are honest and sufficiently sincere you are made to see how the process is mostly happening by itself, sustaining itself..you are not allowed to give up........making minimum use of what you call the labored hard work..... and second is the world resistance that is inside and outside.These two are the things to be conquered in time and space.

it is important to knit and synthesize on a hard lesson learnt through repeated experiences and culminating in a major or significant event, with the current repetitive hard experiences, it is wrong to discontinue the effort or divert the effort complaining rambling, grumbling, taking on depressive attitudes or taking recourse to udAsinta, the present difficulties are future realizations or strengths.......... one should not forget to synthesize and continue the effort. Very Important while i wait for thee in life to manifest.

So present terrible looking, dead end difficulties, don't make the past concrete experiences irrelevant. Rather it has to be knit and synthesized. This is tough for the mind to understand but not difficult for the will, the heart. Reason and spiritual rationality also plays a helpful role here to keep the balance and perspective.

OK so this how the story built up for the season..........

I clearly understood the stage where sadhana culminates..... but where it begins in my life am not sure because i live not in any form of controlled environment but in an open hostile environ..... within a family,so it was first difficult to accept what Sri Aurobindo explained to a fellow living the world life to take it as a preparatory stage. why it was difficult for me to accept that??? It is the sheer effort i put for a long time now , for the sheer number of times or things i say "NO" makes me believe am already in Sadhana,yet when Sri Aurobindo states this

"if you have any strong attraction towards the usual human
active life, towards earning, bright prospects, the use of your
capacities for the ordinary motives or on the ordinary plane
of human consciousness, you ought not to leave everything
behind you for what may after all be only a mental attraction
towards spiritual ideals and Yoga."


temporarily this put me off or poured cold water on my attempts especially when i was down. However then when i further read the other parts regarding an entirely world life

Guru says-
"In this stage aspiration in the
heart with prayer, bhakti, meditation, a will to offer the life to
the Divine are the important things. Purification of the nature is
the first aim to be achieved. There should be no over-eagerness
for experiences but such as come should be observed and, if
helpful to the right attitude and true development, accepted. All
that flatters the ego or feeds it should be rejected. There should
be no impatience if the progress is slow or difficulties many—
all should be done in a calm patience—and full reliance on the
Divine Mother. This period tests the capacity of the sadhak and
the sincerity of his aspiration towards the Divine."

one cools down, calms down, takes a walk [of all the stuffs this is the one activity that is amazing when i do it in times of confusion and chaos- The walk], watches a cinema,does the wrong thing, and the effect of Guru vada begins to be slowly felt inside.

One arrives at a balance and perspective, if one takes the right attitude realizing the opportunity that awaits here in one's life considering the experiences one has had.

here are the resulting thoughts of this balance and perspective that one got from Guru knitting and synthesizing the experiences with the resulting expression of these thoughts.



point number one here to understand is that it doesn't seem like it is just a mental attraction as am forced,cajoled,moved by emotion, by longing, by memories and a lot of other things that take me strictly out of this category of some one doing stuffs with a mental vairagya.

point number two is that i have no natural inclination for external accomplishment anymore, yet i am kind of forced by circumstances to be in the look out for the aforesaid things, but that clearly doesn't make me entirely a man of the world or grihasta as i don't seem to have the appetite.This might seem like escaping but...............

when i take this life up and wait following the great man vivekananda's fearless ideals without too much emphasis on morals and Sri Aurobindo's clear directions for the present, that gives me balance to continue with hope with that silent burning aspiration inside for the divine.

I accept this My dear Guru. The lord.

this is my record of yoga or lets say the grand struggle..

just when am finding commonalities described in "the conversations with P" am once again going through night stuffs amidst a swarm of mosquitoes. As i start a movement of will to get rid of sexual desires am swamped and drowned by a whole bunch of lifestyle habits, mostly in relation to the lower parts of my physical and vital. This also activates the subconscious during waking hours making me feel tired and lacking energy.
And the throwing up of the sex stuffs into the dreams and my immediate environs is happening with grand precision and effectiveness[naked visuals, voyeur forced onto my house window] enough to make use of my lifestyle and knock me off. This is in conformance with what i read often. But when will it end, one does not know. when will one take the straight path to the divine... one does not know, ....
And so i accept the circumstances as they are and resolve to work in them with humility.
am making an idea that, i got to start using more of work as a tool to fight in the present circumstances, especially now with the knowledge about the truth of the Works in the world [ "the long jump analogy by mother", "1971 conversation with P"]

sub-conscious

inside,outside,above,Below,within, without . Below is where I've stepped on and see that it's a whole world of effort to be made ... prayers to maa.......

Being in imperfection

mentally i can handle people but inner vital detachment is not there or it is not strong enough or is not illumined enough or is not awakened yet, to take complete control of situations even before they happen or not let them [ the situations] play out the way they do [panicky, unstable, nervousness, fear] in people and in me......

but higher positive mind comes and intervenes, regulates........ and still in this imperfection that i'am in, i consider it necessary to tell people what they lack in themselves , so does that make me stupid especially if the people here are parents, what is the way to change their world and their nature, i can just not swallow the argument that earn handsome [ my parents are poor] and their world and nature will change. or do you mean to say you do your thing why tell parents about how they got to be.........

by my conduct i have shown how to be, i have a doubt if that is enough............... it is not enough , but neither is telling people after this conduct....... that is not enough either. So i got to stop this foolishness and leave this as well to the lord mate .

Mate Illumine people's mind with positivity and gladness and hope and joy and helpfulness.

And give me the detachment that i so badly need in the inner regions......

arvind

my whole expression of what i have to learn from the events described in my previous entry is inadequate and poor.

The absolute expression of any life situation is already there in" THE LIFE DIVINE " Only that we need to have the subtle faculty to understand them in their spirit and through our own Life experience.

And that is precisely what i found out in the chapters "knowledge by identity and separate knowledge" "memory, self-consciousness and the ignorance". Not that i haven't read them earlier just that they make sense only now, after the experience. All my experiences and learning regarding Balance, agents of division, vision, everything is there in "The Life Divine"

There is no point me discussing these further , am concluding this saying that the vital should not be allowed to influence the mental and the physical. And there is an increasing need for detachment and further knowledge to control the forces inside and the energies, and the ability to see people in the light expressed in this particular chapter.

why am in need of these knowledge like dealing with people, , it is because of this need to be with the divine,maa, the spirit of perfection, the sole light and purpose of my life. and i get that knowledge like by some kind of perfect timing. And reading backwards from the aforesaid chapters it's leading me to the chapters dealing with Brahman atman purusha prakriti ishwara divine being .......

Apart from this the most important lesson has been to stay put and fight and take things to maa with absolute faith even it be in desert like laborious repeated conditions.

this blog should stop.

of disguised, distorted tantrums and the source of my inner problems....

i mean what if the guy thinks something like this............ bro' you are selfish, you have let your mother borrow money from my mom to help yourself . unsuccessful, lacking in merit yourself and whats more jobless beggar;;;; what right you got to speak about others.........; but it seems "he" has all the right to speak about anything under the sun like it's all his dad's thing;

come on i was just giving an opinion, not even personal but about a film director who lacks in a certain department... why would he feel so offended by it in the theater and get personal at me.... the film sucked big time and no one liked it.

i don't know... a few weeks back he sought an opinion about his orchestral work from me knowing fully well that i do not belong to his field, yet i thought he respects my opinion and sent him a list of common points that i found worth mentioning. it stated the points without being rude and yet it was an honest encouraging note. But it seems to me he wasn't able to digest the honesty of that constructive criticism, although he did lip service by replying that he knew what i was talking about.and that he took it constructively.

Now man today he got a chance to get back at me. Or may be he has had some setback in his musical pursuit and he was livid with himself but whatever it is you have no right to be rude and be baseless arrogant with anyone [am reminded of my own arrogance with my poor mom a few days back.. sorry mom]. But bro' you had me dumbfounded, i couldn't keep my temper there, i fought with him and i even let his mom know of this fight. But to her i guess this is one of the hundred petty fights that i see happening between them [the mother-son fights it even happens in my own case].

But this definitely makes it difficult for me to engage in any sort of play or talk with this bloke as this is the second time this sort of a thing is happening. first time i thought mistake could have been on my side as well and tried to understand it; but second time it is quite clear the fellow thinks he is a rebel and is behaving arrogantly.

learning ............................

that is some incapacity not being able to take an honest criticism;and the thing about being rude and arrogant on the grounds that you r being burdened by a fellow doubting, fearful traveler [ my mom].

mate may be that's the work you want me to do well inside and i understand your smite and criticism lord for more detachment and mastery over the forces inside so my outside reactions could be more than the limited individual power that i seem to display and depend on during such situations.

In any case i understand that right or wrong doesn't matter in these situations as even if i had been wrong with people it still all adds up to the overall benefit for the truth to prevail.i know I've had this experience numerous times which i have recorded in this very same journal many a times each time it is a different situation different people but the stuff of the matter is the same.

But the solidity of my stuff to take the hit and yet continue this Sadhana attitude has grown over a period of time and this is the only progress i see.

i want to take this sort of a self less attitude to these kind of situations involving insults, injustice, hidden dirty balls, body line attack stuffs. ultimately i would like to place these kind of situations almost spontaneously in the hands of maa and look at an even more effective result in a less serious kind of a way, not like this- losing control and temper, ugly situations.

But this requires the grace of maa and maa am asking for these things please maa help. and regarding the financial help i got maa i put it at your feet, savitri gave me this maa hopefully it will be beneficial to all maa, in the future, my pursuits............. maa i trust you and hopefully that kid will learn his lessons.

tHANKS MAA and the reasons for which i used to "fall" seem more and more ...stupid hopefully in the future will seem absurd as well to me as these very reasons should become an easy pointer to the stuffs inside that i should work on, but this requires the considerable dynamic struggling effort, maa am learning.......... gratitude from this little soul maitri maa.

Maa but still am left with this question.... all relationship formed or forming in my life seem like they are slayed......... i do not have fond memories of people.. in my life ..... why is my life like this.........????????????? zero [real]presence of people either in my mind or in my heart............ they just stay as moving images talking with very little value,

mistakes and lessons

more important than realizing one's mistakes and lessons is "Remembering" them when life presents you the set of challenges.

The distinction between a mental control and will is getting clear. you find these the hard way at night through repeated situations. But the will is missing in or am not aware of it when it's there during sleep time.

All that am aware of during sleep is the inner beings large hidden surface nature.

other than these am unwilling to diclose a few mutual symbols between me and the d, for as i told they are mutual and each one's got to find his own with the D. life leads to the d, this is my hope and my source of motivation to meet all the challenges. the work takes time for sure............ not for the impatient and those who dont have a need for this perfection .

Agents of division - saying no to their game; this has to be done with no sense of division between the known and loved ones and the so called outside world, for as it seems clear all are one and the divisions are blurring, it's all a big scene set up i dont know for some great purpose.

three questions and 3 answers

Question :
whether life really intends or leads me to the "D" ; this is the doubt that gets thrown in times without the mental control. If so it asks for the proof and further the very vexing question- when and how will you know the moment this will or going to happen;

Answer:

work on the Three. surrender the d to the "D" in full faith and sincerity. And you will surely know and get the answer just as i get the answer for the rest of the life issues.

The usual follow up

Ok. The reason i still stick around sri Aurobindo and the mother is that i always make a fist and bite a little , my hand.... [ under trying circumstances and mange to ride the storm and watch the victorious lord gaining a little ground and return to his home, with the arrival of content and happiness and hope and faith]

and manage to see a glimmer of success of their way in these severe testing conditions i live in, what's more you ask?.... Truth has no alternate if you are honest and sincere and frank towards your masters.

Me, my [ self - Mr. hank] and the psychic

You can dismiss the character Hank in the movie Me myself Irene as a schizophrenic, but it is a very honest character, one that am totally identified with, yeah you can talk all sense and wisdom and rational crap, really but most of the time you feel like speakin your mind out on these utter nonsense around you, actually you feel like cracking the living shit out of these thousand invisible glances judgements and nuisances that are always swarming around you, you deal with them through silence first and then when you have settled silence a little more better with peace, and then when you are totally in psychic you don't even feel them in any of your parts, even if they are felt they feel like a little insect banging on a mountain. i've done them. But how do you do that on a constant basis without losing your grip, now that's not gonna happen unless my life changes radically,

also the state of perfection one should be at in this life, which is described by Mother herself, it is courage down to the level of the nerves not even your nerves should tinge, that is courage, i do not have it and i lose it in a state of passion or in a state of a challenge posed either through work or through the environs, anybody saying he does yoga without having that steel of a courage in the nerves always is fooling himself for money and security being with the lord.

the problem is you can fix a regular work and keep all things at bay following this procedure life long but, but ,but , when it is a question of learning under immense financial and time shortage, that is where you are squeezed and thoroughly tested.

But then this process as is prescribed by mom and sri aurobindo can be practiced in an environment that is controlled, i mean mom wouldn't let anynone even enter her room, even when they did enter the room she 'd hardly talk to them, she first invites people on the condition of silent meditation with her and then takes it forward depending on the results, now that is my problem with this process called yoga. Basically she controls her environs not just she even aurobindo 'd have done the same.



Now i dont say am tryin to be them, am not talkin about them, but really i dont want to hang around them for being gopi, bull shit , i came to them with self perfection as a goal, but their procesess are like have been designed in an ashram environment ,not for a guy who lives in a 5 tenant rabbit hole mosquito swarming hot furnaces, with an asshole neighbour, a drunken father, a fearful mother with a tight financial budget always, and her son me with a lofty no compromise kind of quality aspiration. am not doing any fuckin yoga that doesn't lead me to a result in this life. fuck you maa..............

maa help

am in a lot of confusion, external confusion, but am maintaining the balance maa help maa i know maa you are listening to me maa shelter maa, just wnat your will to prevail thati all my life's will.

mental plans never work........

Mind is only there as a divisive instrument, any major effort is usually initiated sustained and made a success only by the energy of the vital and the word of the lord. But seems the vital is a beast of an energy that seeks freedom guided by the psychic word. Its actions and the process cant be explained in human mental terms, but that is exactly what a fellow who has been put amidst family set up and friends and relatives have to put up with. This knowledge that i have against this situation in the outside world makes the practice extremely fallible and fragile, therefore my wholesome conclusion is that am going to stop all forms of internal practice with this final blog of mine. Whatever has been learnt, let them be protected, for in the future i do not know what'd be the will of the divine. But definitely I've reached the saturation point of my personal effort.

My resume is a SHAM But if the end towards which i strove does indeed realize itself then whatever i told in the above para stands a true perspective of a difficult endeavor. YOU cant be bound by anyhting........... in his processs.........

So this is the daily night routine in my house

mom keeps the dinner plate ready, there's an uneasy silence, mom thinking what might be his excuse for a rant this night, and this fucker is all ready to growl, and there goes the first sound of agitation the screeching of the chair, and now onto the other extreme that of crappy comedies and the sensational news, and how mom manged to say that i don't know but she actually asked him to reduce the volume, and this fellow says there are others [ implying the neighbors] who do more than this so he will kill loot rape if his neighbor does the same. and the focus seems on T.V .But the fucker has got the excuse for his ramblings " THE TV VOLUME " as he starts the issue i get a call and i guess be cos he eaves dropped on what am speaking to my friend the thing ends. so its calm for now. oh i missed the point of quarrel as i got a call again from my friend, but there is an ongoing quarrel now oh ok i get the point the issue is this, my mom actually waved her hands and this fucker has asked in a rude and drunken way WHAT???? Mom feels offended and attacked , it seems he has been affected by the earlier comment on tv volume so he picks up on that and says he mistook her shaking of the hands as a discontent gesture for tv volume again being over the top.

Ok now Mom has come over here escaping from the other room frustrated by this unfortunate turn of UNEXPECTED EVENTS.


Bloody loser and a discontent drunken beggar father and a Mother who struggles with him on a daily basis, totally incapable of and lacking in qualities and strength to handle this fuckin bastard.

And i have to put up with the same bunch of loser college friends who think they've won the world by earning 6 lacs per annum salry, judging me saying you have wasted your years and helping me with a job, strange irony , i forgot to tell about the fuckin neighbors who created needles hardship on us today,

but finally i respect all because i know from mom and aurobindo its all a sacrifice if the soul towards a better future, everyone fighting his battle with stupid resisting nature. i love mother and aurobindo.

i wish my mom a good nights sleep and bring the much needed peace in her heart. this i couldn't have done without the love of the D. i ACtually helped in easing the situation a bit. here. Valuable as i manage to restore my own imbalance that arose in the last few days. and i slowly limp back to my normal aspiring state. i call maa for protection, i need lots of it and i need a bit of clarity on few things now, which know will happen for sure and wait with certitude .

it is all calm now hopefully the himan mom and dad will hace a peaceful night, as i hope to find a more harmonious understanding and relationship with these friends i happened to meet up in life at a certain point in life in the past but have parted ways and gone a ceratin other way. lets see am hopefull i'll learn to identify these situations and deal with them.

paradoxes

man would like to do stuffs in the belief that the results are and would come in and from the zones he expected them to arise not like this totally unintended and unfathomed and doubtful again, and possibly another interfering affair............... with the garb and bait called Money. i mean it should be like straight a direct affair between me and the divine giving the results, not like this from people who question my way of being, and i have to accept help from these same people who question my very basics of living and interfere and interrupt. i really don't got any clue as to what this is, there is no clue am losing interest in D company, it is not to be seen in people, can see it a bit in work but people are only full of shit and they rake up my shit. i may get a job but am not happy with the way i get it.................... lord i hate you mate.

i mean you create situations in a persons life which makes him a bit of a loner who struggles and does the inner sadhana for a long time and then suddenly you make him face the world one fine day and see what happens it has shattered my inner sanctity and the spiritual atmosphere i built around me. This tells me nothing. i dont know how i can find my unity with people around me questioning my way of being, that is precisely why i wanted to get outside my hometown and build a life that will be independent . i sought anonymity in a distant far off place so i can build a strong base for my material and spiritual life and thus also get away from my associations in the past, but........................

a reference for a job from a friend who i was trying to avoid cos' i thought he was a hindrance to Sadhana, so i dont know what to make of this help again like my previous experience comes with the bait of " MONEY". becos i dont know what to make of it i question the process - SADHANA i put myself onto becos it is susceptible to such kind of attacks in the future as well. makes me think i have no spiritual future cos i dont understand where is the strength to meet this paradoxical situation that has thrown itself before me once again. It is a very very paradoxical situation. you open yourself to higher knowledge and higher company and lo in amoment when you have kindled the aspirational fire it poses up situations that are hard to reconcile and understand they are not merely difficult they are complicated and the differences create a temporary loss of balance and demolishes your carefully built up sadhana, what is the use of me doing Sadhana............??????????/

and i hear my fuckin dad's rants and his stupid neighborhood conspiracy theories about a water problem that we are faced with. My Mom's utterly incapable of meeting these problems on a calm basis. she actually contributes to these bouts of drunken fury and mindlessness, it is her lack of mental silence and clarity and a little bit of strength. Unbeleivable she actually asks for suggestions from this unstable fucker.