mental plans never work........

Mind is only there as a divisive instrument, any major effort is usually initiated sustained and made a success only by the energy of the vital and the word of the lord. But seems the vital is a beast of an energy that seeks freedom guided by the psychic word. Its actions and the process cant be explained in human mental terms, but that is exactly what a fellow who has been put amidst family set up and friends and relatives have to put up with. This knowledge that i have against this situation in the outside world makes the practice extremely fallible and fragile, therefore my wholesome conclusion is that am going to stop all forms of internal practice with this final blog of mine. Whatever has been learnt, let them be protected, for in the future i do not know what'd be the will of the divine. But definitely I've reached the saturation point of my personal effort.

My resume is a SHAM But if the end towards which i strove does indeed realize itself then whatever i told in the above para stands a true perspective of a difficult endeavor. YOU cant be bound by anyhting........... in his processs.........

So this is the daily night routine in my house

mom keeps the dinner plate ready, there's an uneasy silence, mom thinking what might be his excuse for a rant this night, and this fucker is all ready to growl, and there goes the first sound of agitation the screeching of the chair, and now onto the other extreme that of crappy comedies and the sensational news, and how mom manged to say that i don't know but she actually asked him to reduce the volume, and this fellow says there are others [ implying the neighbors] who do more than this so he will kill loot rape if his neighbor does the same. and the focus seems on T.V .But the fucker has got the excuse for his ramblings " THE TV VOLUME " as he starts the issue i get a call and i guess be cos he eaves dropped on what am speaking to my friend the thing ends. so its calm for now. oh i missed the point of quarrel as i got a call again from my friend, but there is an ongoing quarrel now oh ok i get the point the issue is this, my mom actually waved her hands and this fucker has asked in a rude and drunken way WHAT???? Mom feels offended and attacked , it seems he has been affected by the earlier comment on tv volume so he picks up on that and says he mistook her shaking of the hands as a discontent gesture for tv volume again being over the top.

Ok now Mom has come over here escaping from the other room frustrated by this unfortunate turn of UNEXPECTED EVENTS.


Bloody loser and a discontent drunken beggar father and a Mother who struggles with him on a daily basis, totally incapable of and lacking in qualities and strength to handle this fuckin bastard.

And i have to put up with the same bunch of loser college friends who think they've won the world by earning 6 lacs per annum salry, judging me saying you have wasted your years and helping me with a job, strange irony , i forgot to tell about the fuckin neighbors who created needles hardship on us today,

but finally i respect all because i know from mom and aurobindo its all a sacrifice if the soul towards a better future, everyone fighting his battle with stupid resisting nature. i love mother and aurobindo.

i wish my mom a good nights sleep and bring the much needed peace in her heart. this i couldn't have done without the love of the D. i ACtually helped in easing the situation a bit. here. Valuable as i manage to restore my own imbalance that arose in the last few days. and i slowly limp back to my normal aspiring state. i call maa for protection, i need lots of it and i need a bit of clarity on few things now, which know will happen for sure and wait with certitude .

it is all calm now hopefully the himan mom and dad will hace a peaceful night, as i hope to find a more harmonious understanding and relationship with these friends i happened to meet up in life at a certain point in life in the past but have parted ways and gone a ceratin other way. lets see am hopefull i'll learn to identify these situations and deal with them.

paradoxes

man would like to do stuffs in the belief that the results are and would come in and from the zones he expected them to arise not like this totally unintended and unfathomed and doubtful again, and possibly another interfering affair............... with the garb and bait called Money. i mean it should be like straight a direct affair between me and the divine giving the results, not like this from people who question my way of being, and i have to accept help from these same people who question my very basics of living and interfere and interrupt. i really don't got any clue as to what this is, there is no clue am losing interest in D company, it is not to be seen in people, can see it a bit in work but people are only full of shit and they rake up my shit. i may get a job but am not happy with the way i get it.................... lord i hate you mate.

i mean you create situations in a persons life which makes him a bit of a loner who struggles and does the inner sadhana for a long time and then suddenly you make him face the world one fine day and see what happens it has shattered my inner sanctity and the spiritual atmosphere i built around me. This tells me nothing. i dont know how i can find my unity with people around me questioning my way of being, that is precisely why i wanted to get outside my hometown and build a life that will be independent . i sought anonymity in a distant far off place so i can build a strong base for my material and spiritual life and thus also get away from my associations in the past, but........................

a reference for a job from a friend who i was trying to avoid cos' i thought he was a hindrance to Sadhana, so i dont know what to make of this help again like my previous experience comes with the bait of " MONEY". becos i dont know what to make of it i question the process - SADHANA i put myself onto becos it is susceptible to such kind of attacks in the future as well. makes me think i have no spiritual future cos i dont understand where is the strength to meet this paradoxical situation that has thrown itself before me once again. It is a very very paradoxical situation. you open yourself to higher knowledge and higher company and lo in amoment when you have kindled the aspirational fire it poses up situations that are hard to reconcile and understand they are not merely difficult they are complicated and the differences create a temporary loss of balance and demolishes your carefully built up sadhana, what is the use of me doing Sadhana............??????????/

and i hear my fuckin dad's rants and his stupid neighborhood conspiracy theories about a water problem that we are faced with. My Mom's utterly incapable of meeting these problems on a calm basis. she actually contributes to these bouts of drunken fury and mindlessness, it is her lack of mental silence and clarity and a little bit of strength. Unbeleivable she actually asks for suggestions from this unstable fucker.