mannar company - it was the will of the divine!!!!!

my question is simple why and for how long is this mannar company thing gonna continue, but i really thank you for giving me a stipend even without having to go to any place called office. that's interesting..... but it's really like uncertain and like they may stop it any time and it really doesn't give me or especially my mother any confidence, the only thing that will give me any confidence is if my skills improve and am able to apply it in a job and some one finds me useful and gives some job worth mentioning and some steady livelihood to take decisions about life.

the difficulty in explaining my situation to this world [ except my mother whom i have taken into confidence through love]is the fact that i cant tell them am working on improving my skills right now, [ am 29, and all those who inquire about my current situation are well settled in life, this includes even friends of my own age ] WHAT I DO TAKES IMMENSE TIME AND ENERGY AND ESPECIALLY TOUGH WHEN YOU ARE DOING IN A COUNTRY WITH LITTLE EXPOSURE, AND YOU ARE STARTING OUT LATE AFTER ALL THOSE OBSCURE CHILDHOOD LEADING TO COLLEGE EDUCATION DECISIONS, HOW CAN THIS BE EXPLAINED TO PEOPLE WITHOUT LOSING ONE'S POISE AND CALMNESS, BESIDES IT'S QUITE POINTLESS, WASTING ONE'S ENERGY, EXPLAINING THESE TO PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND NOTHING BUT mONEY ... MONEY FOR SURE TALKS !!!!THERE ARE A HUNDRED PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN IF YOU ARE PART OF THIS SOCIETY AND HAPPEN TO MEET THEM so i try to avoid them , AND MAINTAIN A CONSISTENT LIE... I CALL IT CONCEALING THE TRUTH AND NOT EXACTLY A LIE. I DO THIS WITH EVeN MY fATHER NOT KNOWING IT TILL KNOW. BEEN DOING THIS FOR AROUND A YEAR. bUT THIS stipend THING FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS FOR SURE HELPED A DAMN LOT. I JUST HOPE IT CONTINUES A LITTLE LONGER , I HAVE MY FINGERS CROSSED , BECAUSE I SURE HAVE A LOT TO WORK ON MY SKILLS AND SEE HOW FAR I CAN GO, ALL DEPENDS ON THE STIPEND THING, LET'S SEE WE WILL TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME, BUT IF I MANAGE TO ACQUIRE A SOLID SKILL I WILL GET A GRIP OVER MY FINANCIAL CONSTRAINT AND INDEPENDENCE.

i pray to the lord to end this mannar drama, inside the theater of life, as soon as possible; guess it's all in my hands to work out how soon or late this will be done.

So that's how it goes, the story of "mannar company" am least ashamed of it. i act with conviction. Now onto the effort.

Mother wants Guaranty

little does my mother know that the driver's not me, and she really thinks that i'am doing this and that, the whole pursuit in this life... that i've taken up would not have been possible if it was "gopi" the little person, the will within is the thing that drives this, so whatever it's will- is done. i don't know it's will in the future say "next minute". So when she asks me for a guarantee of the family's financial fortunes getting better... I'm kind of stumped, cos' i live second by second,

i play the proverbial son saying "don't worry", everything will be alright. Guess that's what she wants to hear and that's what i told her... but other than this, really..... that image of the guy doing the "yagnya by the side of fire" is the only truth in life, i guess it's hard for her to understand this, anyways i don't expect her to... i say to her - "we are safe only with d'mom". when i say that, she always kind of thinks am being a monk saying that Phrase, little does she realize that it is the truth of life on this planet, while we were speaking, this news of 159 people dead in an air crash is broadcast, so what's all about this financial guarantee i wonder. But i do understand her situation, i know d'mom is with her as much as she's with me,
i just hope am a little more with the divine especially during the nights.

lord i wont say i will try, i say i am with you lord, i have these difficulties in the night my body takes consistent beating with all all these outside forces and lack of a perfect detachment, and so i give up the effort,

Lord as an afterthought i want to say- is it not entirely possible, for a change, to not be this poor cousin, poor friend, poor son, poor neighbor poor colleague poor employee, this whole relative poverty sucks..... not that i feel inferior but that it definitely gives people a kind of superior air when they are in my presence, cos' am this good bright intelligent fellow with all the right qualities and hey!! he makes less money than us, less endowed than us, so feel better about yourself and your life [ the kind of thing you saw in Slum dog ]

ok i guess am speaking a lot cos' i have a follower now and once again am a little down, it's time for the effort.

there is already a pain also in life

one hardly sees it, but it's there in the background lurking, waiting to come out at the most opportune moment, it comes out and it will come out and it's a sad and inevitable fact of life, there's no other explanation to the problems one faces at night , it's the things of the subconscious and even inconscient [ which i suspect] that stirs up the mud and your job in life is to deal with these , that's the job, my job is to endure and learning to get better at it, am currently using these words i type to step up and put myself in a better frame of mind after the horrendous night of in conscience and lust and physical pain in the morning.

they have made synthetic cell, but can they make something that will stop catching a cold, am pretty sure they cant, or can they make something that will ensure it doesn't meet with some kind of accident, am sure they cant because they only create stuffs that have commercial application to sustain resources for this inferior life on earth, but one hopes that sustenance till better things come out is the divine scheme being worked out through such scientific pursuits......

There is already a delight in life ........

And that's not sex............glimpses i see of it, but when is thy whole shower of love knowledge and light lord; o dispeller of ignorance please dissolve all confusions and make it a straight path to you. i say this amidst self contradicting duality but am starting to believe that we build our future with this second, this moment so it's a waste of time to worry about one's ridiculous difficulties in nature, the future is being built this second and Mom has the Plans laid out , everything will unravel in due course.

the D guidance

gives me the encouragement, and i thank maa for this grace and my grateful heart acknowledges the encouragement to continue further taking along the experiences retaining some.... leavin out the unwanted.....

Thanks mate

Shakti Maa,
your will be done.

lust and life

life and lust when will this end??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Only when the lord makes a decisive statement in my life. i cant be 100 % sincere. But i doubt the influence of bad company this time, an lo here i go one more time to see what's in store........ for the future, keeping myself open to only one influence to the extent it is possible for me.