drishhtim

Maa, Finding the intuitive plane, discriminate it from other things using

the intellect, teach it to not doubt and give up has been my chief and

long standing difficulty. Add to this the world you live in, you bring

on "the cosmic ignorance" and sometimes even "the Lying spirits". 

Continuing on, whatever the problem, "the psychic attitude"  described

and stressed by Maa is the  thing that can save anyone from this

journey.the intuitive faculty not being at its best and mistakes and

errors as part of life, it is this psychic attitude that brings me back

to the path.

 Also in my case, i found out that one of the ways to deal with the

above problem is to work on our Lower Vital. some of the passages in

"Letters on Yoga" about this Lower Vital has been illuminating my path. Help me cross over maa, please help maa, please maa help maa, forgive my ignorance please help maa, p[lease help maa. please help maa, please help maa, please help maa..

folk song

yeah a folk song from a movie and Savitri, that's the combination am reading .........sithirai nila.......

So must the dim being grow in light and force
And rise to his higher destiny at last,
Look up to God and round at the universe,
And learn by failure and progress by fall
And battle with environment and doom,
By suffering discover his deep soul
And by possession grow to his own vasts....

Blood.

[see gopi, you are yet to be free, but still there is this thing you know you have to do, it is not taking "the wrong forces" as your support, "the conditions and limits", being these....., first aware of the wrong impulses, or forces, movements and the hiding forces behind them mostly vile and hideous[in the name of dancing and liberating], saying yes to them and or giving a voice to them with the intent of expressing or bringing them even unconsciously to "the physical" as a means of support ends up in blood. i am guessing even in the mental and in the vital , it has had similiar kind of consequences although you didn't see blood exactly [and so didn't see the actual thing these things lead to- the physical misfortune] but i do understand them now, the movements maa, after having closely observed them for long,it was the same drifting, careless, without morals and "falsely free", while being bound to the flesh and other corresponding mental and vital mediums on the net. even in this preparatory and re conciliatory lifestyle, this is fraught with the risk of going away from mom. Be careful. Mom's there but your support is with Mom, despite a thousand difficulties in nature, if you have taken, even an unconscious support in other things it has ended up bad all times, this time in the physical, with this minor accident.Other times they must have had the consequences you didn't realize or understand. Mom's grace i invoke maa protection, please maa forgive the ignorance .............i understand this a little better and yes i shall try and see how to arrive free before you, so you can work more on me, oh lord.... seek your help in this direction Lord.....solve the problems, untie the knots.....i dont fear you lord........ i love you............

rhythm

"The life of the individual must have the same rhythm of significance, the same law of progression as the cosmic life; its place in that rhythm cannot be a stray purposeless intervention, it must be an abiding instrumentation of the cosmic purpose. - Sri Auro"

ofcourse bindo Boss says this in a

bigger concept while trying to

explain the rebirth of the individual

soul and its purpose here, which some

claim to be without purpose and

effect.

so will i be right in taking this as

an idea in life to lead life

according to the rhythms of the

cosmic life. and not this haste which

i subject myself to, out of fear or

some reason, from time to time.

But living that rhythm requires a different choice for Life. A different approach to Life that is radically distinct in its priorities than the one i lead now. But if such is the reality of my Life then why does the God grace me with this particular experience again and again knowing fully well this guy gopi is still leading a Life mixed up with his instincts for money success family etc. etc. etc. am  terribly dual In this life, seeing the inner highs and the all -too- frequent-known-lows.  Following traditional Kundalini type yoga i would have gone down by now. But this seems like something is slow, steady, persisting ever ready to seep in. totally unstoppable by anything but it takes its own time, and requires that its conditions be met in Life. This particular process going on has to see its fullfillment in this Life lORD AM I NOT RIGHT , IF SO HOW CAN I HELP ,,,,,,,maa save me from errors maa...........please maa share my burden, maa.......... the "haste movement" is something am unable to stop at this point, but i detected it this evening in my evening walk back home, once the haste was controlled "the things" got back to normal, but entering home pursuing this  so called effort for a job i got into that haste mode or some type of corrupt mode again, i dont know but it is the summation of this unconscious "attraction of struggle and suffering" making the cross as my goal when my intent is clearly to get outside this vicious cycle. maa i had alittle victory this evening before all these happened , when i colored a beautiful "TORCH" illuminating a little dark patch.[pastel].  And so it is like how auro says the darks are so huge a single flame is not enough for the nooks and corners, it gets lost this flame....... The joy of victory is sometimes less than the attraction of struggle and suffering, yet the bay, not the cross should be the goal of conquering the soul- SA .

tere bina kya jeena maa

nenjukkuleey umma mudinchirukken..........nectar eyes..........you playing tabla with this world and other crazy thoughts.................... this is english maa........to actually set oneself for the journey to prepare for it to stay prepared for it is so tough....... maa.................make it possible maa......give me the faith that is needed in the "becoming" complete faith in that becoming............. yeh you said it maa, i ask for it maa,

past week

these were the things i had to say to maa- this past week........

1] Maa don't know how but this morning after the usual night slumber  found myself complaining saying_ " maa am sick, short of time, and I don't know what is to be done for work." and then a little while later am Being  before you saying maa here's the concentration for the sadhana consciousness Saying this without any mental strain effort, but as some kind of a natural  result of an "ever present calm" which one is increasingly finding in the movements, which seems to have percolated the external consciousness, weakening the morning syndrome . ended up the day on an inspiring note sketching a piece of art plastic cast which i got from the sandhai) in record time. quite a revelation of the progress one has made, and one can make . while i type this am reminded of the words in The Life Divine- "Life where it choses to conquer, it conquers....."
2] Some part of me that is separate, above ,during these difficult circumstances (mom crying in agony - pain) which was from the inner living- that said maa although I want to leave this place for the library (cos' anyway I can't help them anyway, neither am I responsible for their pain), I still will prefer to do what you will . And then the movements........... she(mom) cries, and my rebellious nonchalant attitude  readying myself to leave and then she cries, pleading me to stay for receiving the cylinder.and then the quiet silent thing above takes over leading me to volunteer to bring the auto for dad mani(whom i was inner scolding for mom-mathy 's difficult karma for the future and he's delaying and slow when someone's in intense pain) to take mommathy to the doc.but as stated above the higher thing knows and decides or should decide every minute thing in life,whatever be the circumstances .
3] so dont bother if your social outer avatar looks bad atleast it is truly reflecting the fight of the inner and higher regions and most importantly you are aware of it, while the rest of the humanity is busy propping up their weak already dismantled "outer", dressing it up again and again and following each other in a vain ever repeating generational pass-time.

their support is science. should be overridden. but how????? i dont know.

petty tyrants everywhere

becos petty slavery everywhere.Unfortunately you have not only to meet them from your point of view but also from the view of the other weak human who may be unconscious and is dependent on you, but is also stuck with the tyrant as part of his/her karma. Lord man give me the relevant required power if you want me to do these on a constant basis in the near future.

Lover's dilemma.....

there is but "my Yoga with the lord" that i have to be concerned about. yes i got a bit carried away by emotions in that forum, but couldn't stand the difficulty and doubt in my mind being echoed there in that forum as a " genuine phenomenon; with a sense of inevitabilility, defeatist, lacakadaisical spirit of approach to yoga , this guy asking people to follow elementary bhakti, karma jnana, and then hope to be saved by some future event. How stale and without spirit. Someone there is asking for a customization of yoga path to suit the individual.some other guy is mocking at the followers for they find it difficult. This guy is happy that his post is being found useful and all helpful to a bunch of non believers and possibly morons. However happy that, some sane voices came to support me as well.Through whatever way you are coming to yoga it [ thro mind or throu heart] should be like as if your very daily life depended on it, this can happen by choice or by circumstances as in my case. However i do understand a little better the reasons for their way of thinking or the stuff of their way of thinking.[ people]. everyone's in the ride of the Karma cycle and quite happy and content with a little safety from the divine, with nature itself accommodating the process, what else do they need.  And here am praying to break out of it . i have stated also my dilemma to the lord in clear terms.......it is for him to claim me , while am busy  preparing for the future,as per his guidance, and reconciling Life .

psychic-opening

Indicators of the unveiling of the psychic being.

so all i've had all these years has been the psychic opening. And the nature is in the process of being prepared for the psychic transformation.This will take time, so am wallowing in the mud living a life with the family, consistent and in line with this psychic opening i've had. i see....so that's what it is. god but things happen so slow. so full of interruptions, one has to persist.

so i have accessed their help both direct and from there in the mental plane. first you read a book and the thing you understand spontaneously and the other is when you dont understand a thing but things organise themselves in life through these complicated difficult process. i dare say anything direct i have experienced..... other than the touches in the heart[psychic] , even if there had been anything direct, it has been without clarity in the vital and the mental parts. Infact it's been quite a struggle in the vital and body. But reading about the guys who have had these premature kundalini awakening and the physical deterioration, i guess its better to fight and wallow in the mud.

But i have to thank the failures in the vital and in the body becos' they have prevented the movement in the wrong direction until one realize it's too late [like how this sandeep says].one knows every moment what is the wrong direction. so even if one takes wrong direction atleast one knows that it is the wrong direction better than not knowing and travelling.

 oNe takes a call and pursues this, after all what has one to lose other than one's ego, in this life.

But this little has been done in my case only at the riddance of  all economic social norms and status things.

So the question of psychic transformation is not "whether" it will happenn, it is when it will happen?

what after this psychic transformation i dont know but i guess it continues, the adventure...... aah my back pain...... ok see you. God mate it's good to know exactly where one stands so i thank for this temporary loss of health and faith. It lasts for usually a day or 2 until mom comes along and picks me up. i wish am clean without lust and anger and ......Its good to know where one stands.....thanks to this sandeep guy.....thanks mate lord.

 

FAMILY TIME

dude its simple

no one is in hurry, d has planned

this for a 1000 or300 years

and you are demanding the results

citing "the imperfection needing the

perfection", which is based on the

family life's needs "for the now",

both are conflicting,

 of course if you ask for individual

life's need for perfection some of

these issues could be worked out

taking the right attitude without any

care as to time, money, but come

family comes all the problems

associated with it,your insistence on

finishing a task in time in lieu of

or in relation to the family's time

for the d-time is the issue

It is in contradcition with this 1000

or 300 year thing.

Ofcourse no one cares a shit to this

age old problem........

This thing has got to be done  in

d-timeline with absolute honesty not

in any other timeline.cos they end up

in conflicting and crashing.

what will be its chances of success

in the dtimeline, i dont know becos

that may again have its own

protracted battles continuing for 300

years, but atleast this conflict will

be avoided. This analysis is so

simple and matter of fact, honest and

stating the circumstance as it

exists.

if some one says this is a way of

dividing the ordinary from spiritual,

then she is saying that the way is

for perfected souls, like may be like

a janaka

the other thing the d could say is

get out of family and then do these.

That i think applies to guys like my

soul, but ...... am afraid if i will

do that in the near future.

to whom so ever it will be of concern, always do read the post next to the ramblings like the above, there will be some clarity after the confusion.

D nizen

maa i dont possibly have the

experience of DNA changing or the

cosmic rays from sun doing things

with the body or my pineal gland

enlarging or other stuffs like the

5th dimension entry into it some kind

of vibratory difference in the

cosmos....

but the spirit and your presence is

enough maa, yes i know isaid like

what is the use of your presence, if

what you ask me to do is so damn

impossibly difficult to do in the

"current phase" of life, may be with

these phases and the workings the

life as they say will also change, of

course "only" with a little bit of

"your generous help" idont know....

but then i know i have some physical

experiences and you say to me wait and

see what happens where is the end?

there is no end to adventure even

inside a limited space, that's how i

relate this experience of sandhai

with the Koch's flake i read about.

so all these talks of vibration look

a little too premature to me. do they

or would they have gone thro'

experineces like these inside the

limted and finite, i mean do they

have the experince of the infinite in

the finite, if not how can they

predict these things accurately.

using the buffet like mind, it tells

me some elements of discontent

grumble emotions are mixed up in the

form of data beautifully with just

"some" spiritual glimpse one may have

got. which could not be the entire

truth that it will happen.

So i will wait for the truth to

present itself to me, learn to cling

to it like a magnet and also wait for

complete truth, before embarking on

this new age phenomenon,but surely i

see things cooking below and waiting

in line all the new age stuffs but i

think they will take time to

materialize.

 so am being a good player now and

look forward to playing the role of a

samsari in this world. But then who

am i to deny these, if it is

someone's genuine experience of some

advanced soul. Time will tell. maa ,

here is your "d"nizen at service for

how much ever longer a life you will

give me.

for now equality is the process,

practice and goal for the current

phase of life. the "d" nizen life

amongst the citizens. Its tough. BUt

it's what the lord wants me to

understand,if i want to do his work

in this world and i got to be fit

down to the physical if one wants to

withstand the impacts.

also a word about vocabulary, it

seems one of the purpose of language

was to point out the impostors

nuisances, dark forces in clear

specific precise ways, so they could

be worked on. i dont know lets see...

the self seeking and the dynamic self

been reading warren buffet, been hooked onto to people claiming fantastic things,about the new age on the net. been forlorn about how am not fitting in this society, since i have taken to SA and the mother. But today an experience of "that something" in stillness while i was reading "non utility warren buffet book" without being  calculative, sweeping the most material negatives of life, including a bit of pain in the body was revealing to me as to how fast things change and how subtle this thing happens.

But then again the attacks of negative stuffs, kept coming back the kind of things SA will say in letters on yoga, like dukha or something it' s vital depression..It kept coming back. Evening, the D. puppeteer made me go to a place called SANDHAI, something like a bazaar of assorted products of all sorts,second sales, things like that "with the buffet book in my hand". originally the plan was to head towards the library. bUT THE d CHOSE THIS WITH bUFFET BOOK, was hittng the right chords in me, for i experienced the true spirit of capitalism at work here, something i did not see in the big companies i had worked for in my short career.. INfact those big companies were more of show and hollowness without  i dont know "something" that should be there.

It is interesting the thing buffet speaks out for, can be seen  living in a nook of a corner here in chennai.it has minimum followers there in the west and the Indian experience of copying has resulted in an inadequate model, if not entirely a copy of false models and benchmarks..,without the original spirit. i dont know may be in some fields like IT where India is doing well things are not like what am guessing or may be its a mixture of both here.Local economies like these Bazaars must definitely be encouraged. An aspect of the dynamic self in commerce was experienced by myself.

am not anymore forlorn or apprehensive about meeting the society, back from this withdrawal for about 2 years becos' i have the inner experiences to back me,  and now after this experience i realize what actually really succeeds. The things they call success are nothing but bubbles that bursts random. depending on the random luck some are  inside this bubble and for some it is busted all in frequent and cruel random cycles. Longer the period, everyone experiences this busting experience with a shock.

To quote the lord "if it is silence it is inside HER you look for it. IF IT IS SELF REALIZATION WHAT IS THAT SELF IF NOT  HERSELF. if it is the dynamic self , then also it is through her that all things are attained." the spirit leads everywhere. the puppeteer at work always, therE is no other. Lets see how it goes...... meet you 2013.

my cosmic journeys. am i absurd.....

yes i hope with my leaving this place, which is what it is looking like now, there will be some change for the better, i pray maa she brings some sort of understanding between these two. buT maa . what was a huge momentary problem for  me and i was moving on to forget and forgive and move on seems like thorns in which these fellows are stuck with. so from that  perspective you can understand these fellows are living a momentary life they dont care for depth or clarity or civility they are blind and deaf. that angers me. yes it was double trouble for me but this like everythinmg needs godsolving , which is even better than dissolving. but i dont how he will do this particular problem i have no idea., leave it to you maa. forgive me. but i think i have some sensitivity and anger issues, going by some recent events.this was imposed on me, this friction, like a burden on top of another heavy burden. but there has been other instances of friction which have been arbitrarily imposed on  be by fate like that school teen boy crashing into me even when i was already walking in a corner of the road and i had to to avoid a clash go sideways to make way for him and his friends so they could walk like a mob talking on road. they didn't care who was coming on from the other end whether there is a need for some civility, come on i cant possibly crash into the parked vehicles to make way for these guys. so i decide i will no not turn sideways, again this split second attitude was a sequel toan incident that happened a day before this, wherein a guy was talking over the phone oblivious, [while that boy was impervious, this man was oblivious] blocking the entry to the door and i like typical gopi squeezed into the little gap i got... didn't see the hook that was waiting there for me and my shoulder and boy it hurt bad leaving a lingering pain. And that was the background to this incident with this teen boy. And this impervious teen boy crashes and am baffled as to what is wrong with the world gave my usual angry stare to him. But he just coolly asked sorry and casually went about walking with his friends in the same way. So is it the cosmic lord telling me something i dont know. you have no say in these things when you are in the cosmics without the constant capacity to discriminate between the truth and the false in this field[cosmic]. it sure is a minefield like this in Sadhana but i guess mom 's grace protects me from these incidents [ others where i have been involved in minor skirmshes in the buses,trains and some near escapes from accidents, all a result of my karma and my impurities and subconscious elements playing in the cosmic field] Mom protects ,me in this journey, in this sadhana by a boy who consented to the great travel but who didn't know the distance or the difficulty . thank mom. i can ask her to protect all but that would be quite improbable if the earth wants to move on, so i ask her to protect all who have shown a glimmer of soul possibility in them and are in that process atleast in some measure.

is showing the mirror a wrong method?

so there is nothing i can do in these fights, am i the reason, for any of these. i was annoyed this afternoon becos i was watching tv and this fellow has the speaker loud on. yes i did it one day because this fellow i was sure was sitting in that hall and creating negativity in the main living hall  while am struggling here with work it was double pressure so the tv was so loud i decided i shall do the same thing he's doing and he got upset for showing him the mirror. and he has got the opportunity throwing dirty shit again and again whenever the situation gets tough for him releasing his inner shit at us. and the guy with his head phones on his ear which by the way is another story, i got him his favorite songs and he started raping those songs playing them loud and repeatedly i don't know for the nth time in the main hall. ended up regretting why i did that favor. so i complained or made my unpleasant reaction clear a lot of times either directly or through mother, to mom and asked him to use his headphones  again he did that as a means to letting go of his frustrations at work, which is fine if that helps you but then you are not satisfied and still end up boozing.and yesterday i was at peace silently working, with the same headphones he was now madly beating the chair for some song without any rhythm totally jarring almost in an inebriated condition absolutely rapes your immediate environment am watching helplessly i dont know what to do, this is like too small an issue that i don't want to pick up a fight on. my mother also probably felt the same but guess what, that is where these fellows create the problem, and stay in smaller issues stuck up inside their gutter brain chemicals. now if india would have gone and attacked pakistan for an issue like a terrorist entering their zone imagine what happens, its war. its no different here. best attitude seemed like tolerance. but tolerance is no big virtue that should be scrupulously followed. every now and then you show the mirror and these guys a storm is stirred up and asshole he shows it on my weak mother, poor gomathy. so if had talked to him directly letting him know a piece of mind would that have been a better solution. it's been a long time since i have had any meaningful coversation with this a.hole. am struggling with my own issues,didn't want double the trouble, so cant say if directly dealing with this fellow would have been any different, may it would lead to more of his shitty ego bruised. But the woman in his life my mom pays the price for not being strong and dynamic. if she had been she would have left him long time back. i cant help her. she has chosen her destiny. it is she and her gods.The situation is imbalance coupled with king ego and revenge and frustration and liquor that is too much for my mother to handle but am sure it is not tough for d'mom .

dynamics

maa didn't understand the waiting game to find out the movement, didn't show enough patience and also was stuck with a single pace not knowing the variations,misunderstood your communication through people as a result. was not able to focus on sadhana as a result of all these misunderstandings and confusions and lack of clarity. now i realize, "care not for time and success", its real meaning, wherever you are... there must be delight. help me play these better with you.  you are my playmate.

appearances

what appears like a boy struggling to find his feet in this world is in my case the divine shifting putting the  various psychological elements in their place refining them?????? may be!!!!!!!! the obscure process of transformation????? whatever......... Lord. Trust you.

sorry maa

your movements are too complex for my mind to understand and vital and physical to follow. I thought could sip a cup of coffee relax and pursue the task oblivious to the impending economic situation wishfully thinking it will be taken care of. It is an attitude in line with a  particular situation that i came across a year ago.lets say the attitude is a result of the retrospective analysis and understanding i arrived back then. Tried to apply the formula blindly.Whats more important in life, it seems is the dynamics of speed than being committed to a particular slow speed or fast pace, all life, leading you nowhere.

 End was a shock whip lash to my whole stuff from my mother one fine morning. The whip i guess is something of a message from your side, distorted in the lives of human beings, and their way of echoing it, suddenly out of nowhere, and my lack of dynamism to keep up with your movements...... maa this is tough, but i realize the importance of the spider analogy and hopefully you will get to see an instrument made of light.

the spiritual age

Sri Aurobindo - The Human Cycle - The Advent and Progress of the Spiritual Age

For before the decisive change can be made, the stumbling
intellectual reason has to be converted into the precise and
luminous intuitive, until that
again can rise into higher ranges to overmind and supermind
or gnosis. The uncertain and stumbling mental will has to rise
towards the sure intuitive and into a higher divine and gnostic
will, the psychic sweetness, fire and light of the soul behind the
heart, hr.daye guh¯ay¯am, has to alchemise our crude emotions
and the hard egoisms and clamant desires of our vital nature."

if only i had this intuition maa i wouldn't stumble, i didn't ask for it because i thought every thing that happens in my life has your sanction. am in no position to be working for intuitive faculties, too dangerous in this style of economic living. shit . all collapsed. the necessary fieldwork for the things predicted by sa are hardly here but these events in my life are asking for these faculties........ so question is why you give me situations that you yourself would have struggled if you guys were with your family. Thats why i guess its safe to be away from family and practice this yoga inside your ashram environment an environment designed with a specific fabric to suit your vision, not the hostile or opposite environs i live in. you both. Answer me and don't give me these lectures on spiritual ages, for which am  not waiting, your sincere sadhaks can do that. you will always find another one.

today my mother asked me to stop and get out. you let me down before people. she said that before this father guy, from whom i was trying to protect her. Now she has asked me to pack my bag for reasons economic.why start something when it couldn't ever be completed on time...... well people live in time and are bound by it......time is also money. the whole thing i did looks like the perfect self deception.











                                                                                                                                                                                               

Future

there is dichotomy between the three. the vital gives its strength the mind is a receptive instrument without too much use of intellect and logic, the body endures endures endures this is the way to the future......

call you maa

call you from ditches just as i call you from heights maa. maa i find drizzles of strengths when willed in these obscure inner regions, i would love to bring the whole cloud here and make it heaven. Please maa change life here.

forward

this thing's like a long long long long long long long......great swimming in the ocean towards a destination you fixed at some POINT OF TIME but you no longer remember what is it that you set out for, why you swimming the way you are doing so different and so alone in this journey, unable to remember the reason for your swimming style and the reasons for the direction you took, and unable to change the style suddenly,or abruptly increase the speed all of a sudden, all these resulting in "drifting and bale", faith falters and the human is confused and chaotic.And one always forgets the great captain of the ship, always till the last experience one forgets the master, well he came and has shown me the guiding hand, refreshed my memory, and has revived the sagging spirit. Thanks Maa. the article i saw on the paper and the video i saw of Auroville gives hope not just about the task i set out for but also improves my regard for India as a country. That there are people like this in this land. gives me hope.pray for the realization of all collective, genuine tasks in this world to succeed.

realization

mind didn't , it is not, neither will it ever be the creator. So the uselesness of fixed plans as route maps just doesn't make sense any more . This thing will have to be lived . that is the only thing to be done, be at joy in service of thee. Lord mate, do you learn by failing mitra please you know lord the problem of VP. And mind's support to it. Body takes the impact. make me pure and vast. OmNamoBhagawate.

x-periences

i complained lord i believed am seeing the lord in all

forms and in that line of thought did those stupidities

and in the process if you smite and shock and love

..... what am i supposed to be , i go mad........ and

bemused, bewildered........scorning myself and the lord

who is the master of confusion as well as love...i fell

into the same pit that am so familiar with.......


again?????mitra comes and says see am vile and talk

only money,am your stranger, do you also see the ever troubling neighbor in this

stranger form, beware am there,am the lord in this stage, yet

beware of me don't come too close;am your former school

friend who talked only money see am realizing money

ain't evrything, see am the lord there, see am the

stinking drunk mouth here, that very thing you

complained of your father.... sitting right next to you

in a theatre at a crucial moment teaching me how to

speak with a very material superficial stranger and yet at the same time giving the finishing touch to the course of how to stay with your ways and convictions and be comfortable with your own skin and yet be brave .......all these he showed me but yet he says dont come near, am drunk ,

stay wise see am mad here in this stage..i say to him kai kodu and give him a hundred, any beggar or even some sane human will accept it but mitra in that form..didn't take it, and i put it in his pocket force fully; god save him......yet

dont come near......... lord mate you say am there

those kids giving me a bounty of poses to draw beware

dont come close............i will smite you.....i will

shock you i will hit you with soft balls..beware am the

police who caught you at night and scared you asking me

to lose fear beware am that drunk cop who knows

little english... beware i will put you in jail.... and

i will love you ................. this the lord

says........ ...... i can keep on adding to the list it is limit less see am here your only student look but am a dunder head, teach me, understand what use is all these intellect see do you get it see that fellow you call bright see him isn't he stale, what use is his so called intelligence without the higher faculty.... see what is the big difference between your down syndrome student and that fellow ........yet admire him as well for his spirit of doing something different from what his milieu normally does as he puts to better use his given intelligence even if it be a limited one. but beware if you try and push us both we are not your best friends we are the touch me not plant.... sorry it is me the lord both that girl and boy teaching you these and yet beware we stay true to our stage.......you mind your business while i go about our ways...... and am your fearful and helpless mother and miserable and once violent and now restricted to angry father. didn't i teach a life of how not to be and yet brought in the life of how life ought to be...... and you call this all confusion while i call this all a puny stage in my development towards something bigger better and brighter.

mitra i love you ..... my friend how can i get even

more assuredly close with you...oh lord please please

take my life if you have to and do this thing for me

please lord........ and that is exactly what he does he takes up life and works it out in this fashion.....

so as mitra says "a hand there is" or a foot in my case

who guides and directs when we slip and get lost......

this the unshakeable undoubtable experience i gather

from this life.......

the ego words......

why cant i speak without giving expression to my ego instincts and reactions of self aggrandizement, self-defense and self promotion.......in a conversation, i do all these because 1]am not confident of my abilities[not sure if this reason is valid ] or 2] the externals are still not fully surrendered to the calmness ,wideness, and clarity of the inner spirit...... it is still stuck to its old mechanisms and am afraid.. no amount of abilities, skills, wealth,position,power,status is going to help me change this external part.... and before i realized that mistake or deficiency, i have lectured on "the knots of peoples' nature".

i could have simply avoided stating useless things like am planning to go abroad in a few months time[avoidable], when there is not even in the most remote corner of my mind any such planned action or me being worthy of jobs abroad.... i just simply said that to boost the morale,to improve the image of this guy struggling, who will submit to a cheap and economic offer. may be the conversation could have been completed on the sheer stuff of inner and supra ideals that ultimately shape my decisions and leads me....... or i dont know, it seems it is a mistake to exaggerate i dont know mate you decide, the right or wrong of it, but as usual i have put forth the honest observations of what happened....... Om Namo Bhagawate. Deficiencies my Lord.

The whole episode on a retrospective introspection was completely a test of something more than the mere externals i was analyzing about...... of the larger things in life which i have not yet learned to consecrate and surrender which i thought they were done[ but not yet done] as is shown to me by the eventual turn of things as they unwrapped themselves........

the human knots.....

that's what it is, all these hidden inner qualities that create the dualities in a human being, and thus seem like pitting oneself against the others' way of living or his choices......... one has got to be careful about not rending or sundering or atleast it's not my business to do these[if at all these are done, they are done by the lord, me being witness to it.]But harmony it is V beleive in and that's the way it is untangling the knots, so the common golden thread is intact without wastage and could be used by Mom for some other purposes........ MAA my duty it is to keep this in mind always.....and act accordingly...