welcome 2011

time squeezes me, but it is losing its grip over me,.... so good to say all these but the one thing thing that needs to happen is at a distant point of time...... mom complains she's got a son who is not rational in life, but i cant help, i haven't been of much help to her financially only barely managing to provide for what i consume, and i accept am ashamed of it, but i take this liberty and it is my sincere wish that this situation changes in the coming year as it will clear a lot of issues in my life, and help me make a few decisions, not just financial independence but the strength to make their life a little more comfortable is what i seek this comin year..................... it is sure to happen.

day summary

the garden was beautiful, and the ducks were cute, the water fountains lively, and the painting was "in perspective" brilliant.artist swaroop biswas.

a foot..............

my life schedule...................or is it that it is deliberately left that way, i will definitely try rescheduling my weekends and thus the entire week, but it still wont guarantee any thing as far as my inner progress is concerned, however this will be an indispensable part of my personal efforts program for Sadhana . a foot in this journey lord gives satisfaction ,a foot is all that i seek ................grant me lord a foot................. of a walk........ a foot walked is definitely worth it..... make me walk.....................

2d, 3d, 4D .............................

And then go beyond the dimensions................................................... how childish of me.................... lord mate thank you............. for the grace........ on this ignorance.............. i look up to you............

illness

now how 'd you feel if what you've been workin on remains incomplete and in the meanwhile something comes along and shows you an opening something in a place full of prejudice selfishness and ego along with jealousy combined with total mediocrity of aims . and it does this showing me money as the bait. while the lord doesn't help with the smooth progress in learning with constant financial constraint and physical issues and whole lot of doubts and invisible things that gets thrown up from the environment. one is forced to choose the place of prejudice. i dont want money but i can very well be at peace without these baits thrown at me. fuck you lord.

harmonize

now i thought and i said to the lord, what do all these aquaintances, friendships,relationships one has had in life at some point of time, mean, if they become so meaningless and so divergent ...... to the point that there exists no common ground of shared interests anymore, no decent conversation more than a hi- bye is possible, i mean i agree that these were not the perfect relationships they were more of like time pass and like travellers in a long-long journey, i guess, but then what causes this ackwardness, i think that is the question i asked the lord, when i sort of complained to him,

i thought it's better to ignore them than do this totally unnatural hi-bye thing, c'mmon we've had a lot more of shared life, shared interests be it in anything as trivial as porn or cricket or movies or studies and thus still were, of some decent interaction in life at that point of time.The cruelty of time is how i saw it , i do not know how to establish or re-establish these old relationships,

or do i need to move on to newer places newer people newer grounds is that what something's telling me, or is it, that the mistake i thought was that of time is actually mine, like may be in the way i look at these things

or is it the financial uncertainty i live in under the preent circumstances and that i have to put my financial, material life on stable grounds and then may be i will get a proper perspective of these,

i mean some of these friends are married and they got kids settled, and am kind of feelin like an alien trying some wierd stuff in life, with an enthusiastic optimism . this cruel hi - bye thing, i mean i dont understand this. what's the truth perspective of this, it's something lord, i would like to experince in life,

my guess is i will understand and be more confident among my old friends once i get this financial stability. i agree and i take responsibilty for this acwardness in aquaintances and relationships, may be my friends could play more proactive role in getting rid of this ackwardness or i dont know man but something better can happen in life than this hi-bye thing.

a little more understanding of each others' life and a natural harmony as a result of it. lord man it is my humble request to you to set this part of my life , right, in order with the truth, along with the all things that are being worked out. lord make me more confident and make me independant,[ ha-ha and this is independence day!!] lord i love you and i trust you. Om Namo Bhagawate. the day the light was born again on August 15.

kingfisher

this guy showed me an important attitude to work a few days ago, we had our garden all dug up by a fellow[ he did an incredible job!!!, reminded me of what sri aurobindo said "better for you to be a fine shoemaker than an inefficient king"], and what happended in the process was all the worms came on to the top soil. So now enter The King, [ i dont know how he found it out] he made himself comfortably perched on top of the fence, and boy did he make use of the occasion. one hour passed, my mom and the neighbour were talking next to it, and the fellow was fearless he was there for his stuff and he didn't mind any one. some times he would climb up on the tree to get a clear picture, but he stayed right there made full use of it, what still amazed me was the fact that none of the "crows" were to be seen, they weren't showing any interest, if they knew what this bloke was after am sure they 'd have made a nice meal of it as well, but lo' the effort this fellow put up was one of patience with stubbornness, he had the enterprise to find the fertile place, and once he found the place, he settled there and like he spent 5-10 minutes for a worm, in that frequency, i understood why the crows couldn't see the occasion, in fact one of the crows flew right over and gave him a thumping on his head, and lo Mr.King fisher was still there, he would have caught like 5-6 worms and gobbled them all. Fantastic. And a word about the gardener, what a fine job he did, reminded me of Sri Aurobindo said - " better to be a fine shoemaker than an inefficient king".

Mr. King fisher Lord thanks mate your play is the only one am interested in. Mitra make me see, give me shelter. fantabulous. HaHaHa. what took me so long to record this i dont know. here we go maa...............

sincerity

man i lost it, with it, i'll find everything, one single act of sincerity is more powerful than a thousand word. one even gets a response in the physical [ in one's body when this is at it's maximum potential]. i know it, but yet i lose it, and i fail to endure, and lose my enthusiasm,

i guess one should also know one's limits as far as the physical stuff one is made of is concerned, there is a disparity and i forget to be conscious of my physical stuff, or over do it, it has to be taught something, for it to keep pace with the rest of the being, this will need some scientific outlook to the intake of food and sleep habits, and in general it's conscious training, but before all that one needs sincerity by a truck load. maa give me the substance called sincerity. am just wandering here and there maa...... help please.........

just as an afterthought, i found this quote on the net it says -

“Sincerity is not a test of truth - It is possible to be sincerely wrong” well i ask maa if this could be true in my life, well she 's already said that one needs to be miraculously sincere, and that was not to discourage but to tell you the fact, that we do things with a sense of adventure, here to do the difficult things not the easy ones, but being "sincerely wrong" is just an excuse, for escaping from the hardwork. [ i know it, cos' i've tried that quite a number of times, and it hasn't shown any special light for me to walk the path, it is always, only sincerity that has shown any semblance of hope in life]. man i complicate so much for that simple sincerity. sincerity to be with you, not to feel that you are with me, but just the sincere aspiration the highest i could do in this life to be with you,, the highest of my aspiration should organize my life. sincerity is about giving and being receptive i guess , ok enough of the talk. walk the talk. will you?????

thanks maa

realize and acknowledge the little subtle helps that come my way, this helps me to look at the situation as you would normally, if you are a normal human being, and that i think is the thing to be done. OM Namo Bhagawate. maa make me look at life in a totally detached, yet effective way,

it's your vision that is being acted out in an imperfect manner. let this acting out be more and more smoother . let me surmount all obstacles in this smooth manner maa, time now to look into the next steps...... onto action..............

life moves on...........

inch by inch , inch by inch...... hopefully will reach and surpass, surmount, barriers even without any knowledge, strange life this that i live........ it is unusually underground, secretive ,relaxed and careless and fearful, and hopeful, but everytime still manages to drag on ...... my life..... is it spiritual, is it ordinary, is it trying to blur the dividing line, what is it??, that is trying to realize itself in my life????????, i will know for sure in the future...

by the way, hate love stories, they make my eyes moist and my heart emotional, i literally sobbed inside the theater , i find myself extremely emotional from outside, inside i got depth for sure............. i mean i do absorb quite a lot without complaining, strange me, strange my life, very very strange, i got work to do............... i got a life to stabilize first, then move onto other things this is the programme i have kept for myself...........

i cant believe am living in any higher consciousness, right now, but there's something that is trying to break in, that for sure i know, but that is not enough to say that one is born or destined for a higher life. Is my question wrong, is it not true that only the guy who makes a clear choice saying "i want the divine in life manifested..." has but a semblance of chance to manifest the higher consciousness in this life. And am not that guy who dares say it [ i did it once out of ignorance about the difficulties in the effort], let alone act on it, cos' am struggling and afraid and sometimes even turn bitter about having to be at logger heads with time, with society, with family, with money , with a career, i mean someone who's struggling with livelihood issues and practical concerns of life how does he hope for something more than himself, how can such a guy make that defenitive choice in life, NO CHANCE. answer my question lord.......................... i shall not trouble you....


meanwhile am continuing to press on the endeavor for one last push before i take the plunge in the JOB MARKET FOR A CAREER WITH LIVELIHOOD. i start this endeavor everytime like i have eternity at my disposal, seriously that is how i start this every time before it gets dragging on or obstructed by doubts, it seems like a marathon that never ends......... man this way is not for the weak at heart..... . its tough enough living in this world leave alone trying for the divine to manifest in it in all his glory. man . you already have to be like some kind of sage to be making a regular effort that's what mom says to quote her. am not a sage, neither do i want to be one. ijust seek a more harmonious way of learning stuffs and earning a living, and i saw a way that seemed okay to my soul, but working it out in life is a real pain real pain pain in everypossible states , mental vital, physical. But am compelled by my higher soul i take its every word seriously to act for the accomplishment of its vision in my klife, this is what am workin at in my life , it's such a struggle to see this happen in my life , tha ti say to myself am disgusted by the sheer choices that i have to make evry momone t to see to it tha this happens, i mean if i dont make a choice in favor of the souls vision i risk losing the soul drive in life, it's like something got hold of me and extracting this difficult work from me, it says to me there's no gain without pain, and i hate pain.

kelviyum naane badhilum naane

me the question , me the answer, me the evrything....... that's what the title means...

however much one tries to be broad by trying to serve the divine and be open to him and consecrate all the activities and surrender even when others around are losing their heads living a chaotic obscure life, one ends up being this sad gopi who hasn't got a skill and a job for that skill, why ?????????? one is impatient....one is revolting, one is despairing, it is not the thing to be done.........

whatever be the circumstance be positive and be identified with the lord, dont mess with the boss,the psychic, he is my boss, i do what what he says, i undertook the whole endeavour on his instincts, and wouldn't have even reached where am if not for his help and directions, he's made a goal and it is our duty to see this through to the end, i cant even initiate this endaevour forget about sustaining it, with the help of your desperate ramblings and violent protests, am not giving into this emotion,

a day will surely come when am totally free from this part of my nature as i will be totally one with the lord, that's it. am going to paste this as my message and keep reading it every time you make a noise of this nature.

request to the lord

why not you speak about my condition, i know you have done enough of that, but still it lacks a personal understanding of what's going on in my life, like the night time shockers and my inability and lack of any deeper knowledge inside me.maa inside me show me something deep, i said and i insist... show me something deep, right inside me, i stop talking now . i'll be silent, please maa do this for me, show me something deep right inside me,

maa i have to work for a livelihood, and god knows how anything deep can be found when am in a workplace, or am i destined for a life of "blindness for bread state...." maa all these doubts does play a part in my condition, change the circumstances or bring some new understanding of the circumstance, maa please light maa in my life.

you are not a fortune teller but still these are my genuine questions and they deserve an answer. how is your way consistent with the practicalities that this life throws.

i feel a need to make a decisive contact with something deep inside me to tackle the situation arising out of FEAR. Its like a fear in the body to take up a moment in its entirety. it is this fear and it is fuelled by this lack of a lasting contact with something deep inside me that has the instant abilty to put anything in order, you have stated this in your experiences, maa now my question is, is there a chance in my life of "this" happening

i should see a possibility of this happening or else am unable to continue with sadhana under such conditions , i should see a possibiltiy, just a possibility to take this as an enterprising attempt, i need to make that decisive contact with my depths which you talk about in your prayers and meditations, in the meanwhile in a couple of months it will be job hunt for a living that this fellow "gopi" will have to carry out.

you decide whether this lad deserves that discovery. i leave it to you, but this is my in depth, honest study of your life and its application in my life. And my finding is that i need to make a decisive meeting with my own inner self. this i say after making the nth attemt to follow a life of absolute consecration, all attempts ending like disasters.


i am totally incapable of judging my state and i leave that to you. you decide the course and you decide my destiny. am just focussed on work and its consecration right now, am really not getting into intense sadhana, which in any case ends on an absurd note every time.

ease me.............. maa

poor health, poor nights. poor me, pity me , guilty me, everything me..........
what are we up to, now that it's officially over- the "stipend" , future is blank,i gaze into the unknown, unforeseen and the unexpected and one more effort is required, of faith and hope and optimism, to find out if there really is scope for any adventure in the field i chose, or is it a wild goose chase again............. is there a job for me in this field........ guess we'll find out in a couple of months.

there is not a hint of a possibility of a higher life for me..... i slide into lust and desire, and there's no point in calling the divine.... so lets see what's in store as it is vain to call the divine in such a state.

i completely understand the conditions of yoga and hence my difficulty in continuing with it on the strength of an excited resolve.

there is an absence of a guru's personal touch in my life and his directions as i stray and toil and waste in a vicious circle. nobody to tell me what to do, i mean why are nights so vengeful and totally out of control, i' am simply taken apart at nights, the answer for it that i got is that i haven't yet made the decisive contact with my self which is like the zenith of sadhana.

there is no indication in my life of a possibility of that happening. Fear rules over me, as i gaze into the unknown, unforeseen and the unexpected. from fear comes desire.from desire comes lust. with lust the downfall is complete.

mannar company - it was the will of the divine!!!!!

my question is simple why and for how long is this mannar company thing gonna continue, but i really thank you for giving me a stipend even without having to go to any place called office. that's interesting..... but it's really like uncertain and like they may stop it any time and it really doesn't give me or especially my mother any confidence, the only thing that will give me any confidence is if my skills improve and am able to apply it in a job and some one finds me useful and gives some job worth mentioning and some steady livelihood to take decisions about life.

the difficulty in explaining my situation to this world [ except my mother whom i have taken into confidence through love]is the fact that i cant tell them am working on improving my skills right now, [ am 29, and all those who inquire about my current situation are well settled in life, this includes even friends of my own age ] WHAT I DO TAKES IMMENSE TIME AND ENERGY AND ESPECIALLY TOUGH WHEN YOU ARE DOING IN A COUNTRY WITH LITTLE EXPOSURE, AND YOU ARE STARTING OUT LATE AFTER ALL THOSE OBSCURE CHILDHOOD LEADING TO COLLEGE EDUCATION DECISIONS, HOW CAN THIS BE EXPLAINED TO PEOPLE WITHOUT LOSING ONE'S POISE AND CALMNESS, BESIDES IT'S QUITE POINTLESS, WASTING ONE'S ENERGY, EXPLAINING THESE TO PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND NOTHING BUT mONEY ... MONEY FOR SURE TALKS !!!!THERE ARE A HUNDRED PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN IF YOU ARE PART OF THIS SOCIETY AND HAPPEN TO MEET THEM so i try to avoid them , AND MAINTAIN A CONSISTENT LIE... I CALL IT CONCEALING THE TRUTH AND NOT EXACTLY A LIE. I DO THIS WITH EVeN MY fATHER NOT KNOWING IT TILL KNOW. BEEN DOING THIS FOR AROUND A YEAR. bUT THIS stipend THING FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS FOR SURE HELPED A DAMN LOT. I JUST HOPE IT CONTINUES A LITTLE LONGER , I HAVE MY FINGERS CROSSED , BECAUSE I SURE HAVE A LOT TO WORK ON MY SKILLS AND SEE HOW FAR I CAN GO, ALL DEPENDS ON THE STIPEND THING, LET'S SEE WE WILL TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME, BUT IF I MANAGE TO ACQUIRE A SOLID SKILL I WILL GET A GRIP OVER MY FINANCIAL CONSTRAINT AND INDEPENDENCE.

i pray to the lord to end this mannar drama, inside the theater of life, as soon as possible; guess it's all in my hands to work out how soon or late this will be done.

So that's how it goes, the story of "mannar company" am least ashamed of it. i act with conviction. Now onto the effort.

Mother wants Guaranty

little does my mother know that the driver's not me, and she really thinks that i'am doing this and that, the whole pursuit in this life... that i've taken up would not have been possible if it was "gopi" the little person, the will within is the thing that drives this, so whatever it's will- is done. i don't know it's will in the future say "next minute". So when she asks me for a guarantee of the family's financial fortunes getting better... I'm kind of stumped, cos' i live second by second,

i play the proverbial son saying "don't worry", everything will be alright. Guess that's what she wants to hear and that's what i told her... but other than this, really..... that image of the guy doing the "yagnya by the side of fire" is the only truth in life, i guess it's hard for her to understand this, anyways i don't expect her to... i say to her - "we are safe only with d'mom". when i say that, she always kind of thinks am being a monk saying that Phrase, little does she realize that it is the truth of life on this planet, while we were speaking, this news of 159 people dead in an air crash is broadcast, so what's all about this financial guarantee i wonder. But i do understand her situation, i know d'mom is with her as much as she's with me,
i just hope am a little more with the divine especially during the nights.

lord i wont say i will try, i say i am with you lord, i have these difficulties in the night my body takes consistent beating with all all these outside forces and lack of a perfect detachment, and so i give up the effort,

Lord as an afterthought i want to say- is it not entirely possible, for a change, to not be this poor cousin, poor friend, poor son, poor neighbor poor colleague poor employee, this whole relative poverty sucks..... not that i feel inferior but that it definitely gives people a kind of superior air when they are in my presence, cos' am this good bright intelligent fellow with all the right qualities and hey!! he makes less money than us, less endowed than us, so feel better about yourself and your life [ the kind of thing you saw in Slum dog ]

ok i guess am speaking a lot cos' i have a follower now and once again am a little down, it's time for the effort.

there is already a pain also in life

one hardly sees it, but it's there in the background lurking, waiting to come out at the most opportune moment, it comes out and it will come out and it's a sad and inevitable fact of life, there's no other explanation to the problems one faces at night , it's the things of the subconscious and even inconscient [ which i suspect] that stirs up the mud and your job in life is to deal with these , that's the job, my job is to endure and learning to get better at it, am currently using these words i type to step up and put myself in a better frame of mind after the horrendous night of in conscience and lust and physical pain in the morning.

they have made synthetic cell, but can they make something that will stop catching a cold, am pretty sure they cant, or can they make something that will ensure it doesn't meet with some kind of accident, am sure they cant because they only create stuffs that have commercial application to sustain resources for this inferior life on earth, but one hopes that sustenance till better things come out is the divine scheme being worked out through such scientific pursuits......

There is already a delight in life ........

And that's not sex............glimpses i see of it, but when is thy whole shower of love knowledge and light lord; o dispeller of ignorance please dissolve all confusions and make it a straight path to you. i say this amidst self contradicting duality but am starting to believe that we build our future with this second, this moment so it's a waste of time to worry about one's ridiculous difficulties in nature, the future is being built this second and Mom has the Plans laid out , everything will unravel in due course.

the D guidance

gives me the encouragement, and i thank maa for this grace and my grateful heart acknowledges the encouragement to continue further taking along the experiences retaining some.... leavin out the unwanted.....

Thanks mate

Shakti Maa,
your will be done.

lust and life

life and lust when will this end??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? Only when the lord makes a decisive statement in my life. i cant be 100 % sincere. But i doubt the influence of bad company this time, an lo here i go one more time to see what's in store........ for the future, keeping myself open to only one influence to the extent it is possible for me.

hi 2010!!!

sorry a bit late for the year but who is gonna complain, alright let's get down to the business, am hopeful everything's gonna turn right by god's grace . just ask for strength and independence so can be a little more confident about decisions in life am sure mom will help me in this, we have worked i wouldn't say hard but with sincerity and whatever imperfect faith i had, mom knows this, repose complete faith in mom, bow before her wisdom and LOVE....... mom make me worth your love mom.... maitri mom.