i complained lord i believed am seeing the lord in all
forms and in that line of thought did those stupidities
and in the process if you smite and shock and love
..... what am i supposed to be , i go mad........ and
bemused, bewildered........scorning myself and the lord
who is the master of confusion as well as love...i fell
into the same pit that am so familiar with.......
again?????mitra comes and says see am vile and talk
only money,am your stranger, do you also see the ever troubling neighbor in this
stranger form, beware am there,am the lord in this stage, yet
beware of me don't come too close;am your former school
friend who talked only money see am realizing money
ain't evrything, see am the lord there, see am the
stinking drunk mouth here, that very thing you
complained of your father.... sitting right next to you
in a theatre at a crucial moment teaching me how to
speak with a very material superficial stranger and yet at the same time giving the finishing touch to the course of how to stay with your ways and convictions and be comfortable with your own skin and yet be brave .......all these he showed me but yet he says dont come near, am drunk ,
stay wise see am mad here in this stage..i say to him kai kodu and give him a hundred, any beggar or even some sane human will accept it but mitra in that form..didn't take it, and i put it in his pocket force fully; god save him......yet
dont come near......... lord mate you say am there
those kids giving me a bounty of poses to draw beware
dont come close............i will smite you.....i will
shock you i will hit you with soft balls..beware am the
police who caught you at night and scared you asking me
to lose fear beware am that drunk cop who knows
little english... beware i will put you in jail.... and
i will love you ................. this the lord
says........ ...... i can keep on adding to the list it is limit less see am here your only student look but am a dunder head, teach me, understand what use is all these intellect see do you get it see that fellow you call bright see him isn't he stale, what use is his so called intelligence without the higher faculty.... see what is the big difference between your down syndrome student and that fellow ........yet admire him as well for his spirit of doing something different from what his milieu normally does as he puts to better use his given intelligence even if it be a limited one. but beware if you try and push us both we are not your best friends we are the touch me not plant.... sorry it is me the lord both that girl and boy teaching you these and yet beware we stay true to our stage.......you mind your business while i go about our ways...... and am your fearful and helpless mother and miserable and once violent and now restricted to angry father. didn't i teach a life of how not to be and yet brought in the life of how life ought to be...... and you call this all confusion while i call this all a puny stage in my development towards something bigger better and brighter.
mitra i love you ..... my friend how can i get even
more assuredly close with you...oh lord please please
take my life if you have to and do this thing for me
please lord........ and that is exactly what he does he takes up life and works it out in this fashion.....
so as mitra says "a hand there is" or a foot in my case
who guides and directs when we slip and get lost......
this the unshakeable undoubtable experience i gather
from this life.......
