sincerity

man i lost it, with it, i'll find everything, one single act of sincerity is more powerful than a thousand word. one even gets a response in the physical [ in one's body when this is at it's maximum potential]. i know it, but yet i lose it, and i fail to endure, and lose my enthusiasm,

i guess one should also know one's limits as far as the physical stuff one is made of is concerned, there is a disparity and i forget to be conscious of my physical stuff, or over do it, it has to be taught something, for it to keep pace with the rest of the being, this will need some scientific outlook to the intake of food and sleep habits, and in general it's conscious training, but before all that one needs sincerity by a truck load. maa give me the substance called sincerity. am just wandering here and there maa...... help please.........

just as an afterthought, i found this quote on the net it says -

“Sincerity is not a test of truth - It is possible to be sincerely wrong” well i ask maa if this could be true in my life, well she 's already said that one needs to be miraculously sincere, and that was not to discourage but to tell you the fact, that we do things with a sense of adventure, here to do the difficult things not the easy ones, but being "sincerely wrong" is just an excuse, for escaping from the hardwork. [ i know it, cos' i've tried that quite a number of times, and it hasn't shown any special light for me to walk the path, it is always, only sincerity that has shown any semblance of hope in life]. man i complicate so much for that simple sincerity. sincerity to be with you, not to feel that you are with me, but just the sincere aspiration the highest i could do in this life to be with you,, the highest of my aspiration should organize my life. sincerity is about giving and being receptive i guess , ok enough of the talk. walk the talk. will you?????

thanks maa

realize and acknowledge the little subtle helps that come my way, this helps me to look at the situation as you would normally, if you are a normal human being, and that i think is the thing to be done. OM Namo Bhagawate. maa make me look at life in a totally detached, yet effective way,

it's your vision that is being acted out in an imperfect manner. let this acting out be more and more smoother . let me surmount all obstacles in this smooth manner maa, time now to look into the next steps...... onto action..............

life moves on...........

inch by inch , inch by inch...... hopefully will reach and surpass, surmount, barriers even without any knowledge, strange life this that i live........ it is unusually underground, secretive ,relaxed and careless and fearful, and hopeful, but everytime still manages to drag on ...... my life..... is it spiritual, is it ordinary, is it trying to blur the dividing line, what is it??, that is trying to realize itself in my life????????, i will know for sure in the future...

by the way, hate love stories, they make my eyes moist and my heart emotional, i literally sobbed inside the theater , i find myself extremely emotional from outside, inside i got depth for sure............. i mean i do absorb quite a lot without complaining, strange me, strange my life, very very strange, i got work to do............... i got a life to stabilize first, then move onto other things this is the programme i have kept for myself...........

i cant believe am living in any higher consciousness, right now, but there's something that is trying to break in, that for sure i know, but that is not enough to say that one is born or destined for a higher life. Is my question wrong, is it not true that only the guy who makes a clear choice saying "i want the divine in life manifested..." has but a semblance of chance to manifest the higher consciousness in this life. And am not that guy who dares say it [ i did it once out of ignorance about the difficulties in the effort], let alone act on it, cos' am struggling and afraid and sometimes even turn bitter about having to be at logger heads with time, with society, with family, with money , with a career, i mean someone who's struggling with livelihood issues and practical concerns of life how does he hope for something more than himself, how can such a guy make that defenitive choice in life, NO CHANCE. answer my question lord.......................... i shall not trouble you....


meanwhile am continuing to press on the endeavor for one last push before i take the plunge in the JOB MARKET FOR A CAREER WITH LIVELIHOOD. i start this endeavor everytime like i have eternity at my disposal, seriously that is how i start this every time before it gets dragging on or obstructed by doubts, it seems like a marathon that never ends......... man this way is not for the weak at heart..... . its tough enough living in this world leave alone trying for the divine to manifest in it in all his glory. man . you already have to be like some kind of sage to be making a regular effort that's what mom says to quote her. am not a sage, neither do i want to be one. ijust seek a more harmonious way of learning stuffs and earning a living, and i saw a way that seemed okay to my soul, but working it out in life is a real pain real pain pain in everypossible states , mental vital, physical. But am compelled by my higher soul i take its every word seriously to act for the accomplishment of its vision in my klife, this is what am workin at in my life , it's such a struggle to see this happen in my life , tha ti say to myself am disgusted by the sheer choices that i have to make evry momone t to see to it tha this happens, i mean if i dont make a choice in favor of the souls vision i risk losing the soul drive in life, it's like something got hold of me and extracting this difficult work from me, it says to me there's no gain without pain, and i hate pain.

kelviyum naane badhilum naane

me the question , me the answer, me the evrything....... that's what the title means...

however much one tries to be broad by trying to serve the divine and be open to him and consecrate all the activities and surrender even when others around are losing their heads living a chaotic obscure life, one ends up being this sad gopi who hasn't got a skill and a job for that skill, why ?????????? one is impatient....one is revolting, one is despairing, it is not the thing to be done.........

whatever be the circumstance be positive and be identified with the lord, dont mess with the boss,the psychic, he is my boss, i do what what he says, i undertook the whole endeavour on his instincts, and wouldn't have even reached where am if not for his help and directions, he's made a goal and it is our duty to see this through to the end, i cant even initiate this endaevour forget about sustaining it, with the help of your desperate ramblings and violent protests, am not giving into this emotion,

a day will surely come when am totally free from this part of my nature as i will be totally one with the lord, that's it. am going to paste this as my message and keep reading it every time you make a noise of this nature.

request to the lord

why not you speak about my condition, i know you have done enough of that, but still it lacks a personal understanding of what's going on in my life, like the night time shockers and my inability and lack of any deeper knowledge inside me.maa inside me show me something deep, i said and i insist... show me something deep, right inside me, i stop talking now . i'll be silent, please maa do this for me, show me something deep right inside me,

maa i have to work for a livelihood, and god knows how anything deep can be found when am in a workplace, or am i destined for a life of "blindness for bread state...." maa all these doubts does play a part in my condition, change the circumstances or bring some new understanding of the circumstance, maa please light maa in my life.

you are not a fortune teller but still these are my genuine questions and they deserve an answer. how is your way consistent with the practicalities that this life throws.

i feel a need to make a decisive contact with something deep inside me to tackle the situation arising out of FEAR. Its like a fear in the body to take up a moment in its entirety. it is this fear and it is fuelled by this lack of a lasting contact with something deep inside me that has the instant abilty to put anything in order, you have stated this in your experiences, maa now my question is, is there a chance in my life of "this" happening

i should see a possibility of this happening or else am unable to continue with sadhana under such conditions , i should see a possibiltiy, just a possibility to take this as an enterprising attempt, i need to make that decisive contact with my depths which you talk about in your prayers and meditations, in the meanwhile in a couple of months it will be job hunt for a living that this fellow "gopi" will have to carry out.

you decide whether this lad deserves that discovery. i leave it to you, but this is my in depth, honest study of your life and its application in my life. And my finding is that i need to make a decisive meeting with my own inner self. this i say after making the nth attemt to follow a life of absolute consecration, all attempts ending like disasters.


i am totally incapable of judging my state and i leave that to you. you decide the course and you decide my destiny. am just focussed on work and its consecration right now, am really not getting into intense sadhana, which in any case ends on an absurd note every time.

ease me.............. maa

poor health, poor nights. poor me, pity me , guilty me, everything me..........
what are we up to, now that it's officially over- the "stipend" , future is blank,i gaze into the unknown, unforeseen and the unexpected and one more effort is required, of faith and hope and optimism, to find out if there really is scope for any adventure in the field i chose, or is it a wild goose chase again............. is there a job for me in this field........ guess we'll find out in a couple of months.

there is not a hint of a possibility of a higher life for me..... i slide into lust and desire, and there's no point in calling the divine.... so lets see what's in store as it is vain to call the divine in such a state.

i completely understand the conditions of yoga and hence my difficulty in continuing with it on the strength of an excited resolve.

there is an absence of a guru's personal touch in my life and his directions as i stray and toil and waste in a vicious circle. nobody to tell me what to do, i mean why are nights so vengeful and totally out of control, i' am simply taken apart at nights, the answer for it that i got is that i haven't yet made the decisive contact with my self which is like the zenith of sadhana.

there is no indication in my life of a possibility of that happening. Fear rules over me, as i gaze into the unknown, unforeseen and the unexpected. from fear comes desire.from desire comes lust. with lust the downfall is complete.