x-periences

i complained lord i believed am seeing the lord in all

forms and in that line of thought did those stupidities

and in the process if you smite and shock and love

..... what am i supposed to be , i go mad........ and

bemused, bewildered........scorning myself and the lord

who is the master of confusion as well as love...i fell

into the same pit that am so familiar with.......


again?????mitra comes and says see am vile and talk

only money,am your stranger, do you also see the ever troubling neighbor in this

stranger form, beware am there,am the lord in this stage, yet

beware of me don't come too close;am your former school

friend who talked only money see am realizing money

ain't evrything, see am the lord there, see am the

stinking drunk mouth here, that very thing you

complained of your father.... sitting right next to you

in a theatre at a crucial moment teaching me how to

speak with a very material superficial stranger and yet at the same time giving the finishing touch to the course of how to stay with your ways and convictions and be comfortable with your own skin and yet be brave .......all these he showed me but yet he says dont come near, am drunk ,

stay wise see am mad here in this stage..i say to him kai kodu and give him a hundred, any beggar or even some sane human will accept it but mitra in that form..didn't take it, and i put it in his pocket force fully; god save him......yet

dont come near......... lord mate you say am there

those kids giving me a bounty of poses to draw beware

dont come close............i will smite you.....i will

shock you i will hit you with soft balls..beware am the

police who caught you at night and scared you asking me

to lose fear beware am that drunk cop who knows

little english... beware i will put you in jail.... and

i will love you ................. this the lord

says........ ...... i can keep on adding to the list it is limit less see am here your only student look but am a dunder head, teach me, understand what use is all these intellect see do you get it see that fellow you call bright see him isn't he stale, what use is his so called intelligence without the higher faculty.... see what is the big difference between your down syndrome student and that fellow ........yet admire him as well for his spirit of doing something different from what his milieu normally does as he puts to better use his given intelligence even if it be a limited one. but beware if you try and push us both we are not your best friends we are the touch me not plant.... sorry it is me the lord both that girl and boy teaching you these and yet beware we stay true to our stage.......you mind your business while i go about our ways...... and am your fearful and helpless mother and miserable and once violent and now restricted to angry father. didn't i teach a life of how not to be and yet brought in the life of how life ought to be...... and you call this all confusion while i call this all a puny stage in my development towards something bigger better and brighter.

mitra i love you ..... my friend how can i get even

more assuredly close with you...oh lord please please

take my life if you have to and do this thing for me

please lord........ and that is exactly what he does he takes up life and works it out in this fashion.....

so as mitra says "a hand there is" or a foot in my case

who guides and directs when we slip and get lost......

this the unshakeable undoubtable experience i gather

from this life.......