paradoxes

man would like to do stuffs in the belief that the results are and would come in and from the zones he expected them to arise not like this totally unintended and unfathomed and doubtful again, and possibly another interfering affair............... with the garb and bait called Money. i mean it should be like straight a direct affair between me and the divine giving the results, not like this from people who question my way of being, and i have to accept help from these same people who question my very basics of living and interfere and interrupt. i really don't got any clue as to what this is, there is no clue am losing interest in D company, it is not to be seen in people, can see it a bit in work but people are only full of shit and they rake up my shit. i may get a job but am not happy with the way i get it.................... lord i hate you mate.

i mean you create situations in a persons life which makes him a bit of a loner who struggles and does the inner sadhana for a long time and then suddenly you make him face the world one fine day and see what happens it has shattered my inner sanctity and the spiritual atmosphere i built around me. This tells me nothing. i dont know how i can find my unity with people around me questioning my way of being, that is precisely why i wanted to get outside my hometown and build a life that will be independent . i sought anonymity in a distant far off place so i can build a strong base for my material and spiritual life and thus also get away from my associations in the past, but........................

a reference for a job from a friend who i was trying to avoid cos' i thought he was a hindrance to Sadhana, so i dont know what to make of this help again like my previous experience comes with the bait of " MONEY". becos i dont know what to make of it i question the process - SADHANA i put myself onto becos it is susceptible to such kind of attacks in the future as well. makes me think i have no spiritual future cos i dont understand where is the strength to meet this paradoxical situation that has thrown itself before me once again. It is a very very paradoxical situation. you open yourself to higher knowledge and higher company and lo in amoment when you have kindled the aspirational fire it poses up situations that are hard to reconcile and understand they are not merely difficult they are complicated and the differences create a temporary loss of balance and demolishes your carefully built up sadhana, what is the use of me doing Sadhana............??????????/

and i hear my fuckin dad's rants and his stupid neighborhood conspiracy theories about a water problem that we are faced with. My Mom's utterly incapable of meeting these problems on a calm basis. she actually contributes to these bouts of drunken fury and mindlessness, it is her lack of mental silence and clarity and a little bit of strength. Unbeleivable she actually asks for suggestions from this unstable fucker.