why cant i speak without giving expression to my ego instincts and reactions of self aggrandizement, self-defense and self promotion.......in a conversation, i do all these because 1]am not confident of my abilities[not sure if this reason is valid ] or 2] the externals are still not fully surrendered to the calmness ,wideness, and clarity of the inner spirit...... it is still stuck to its old mechanisms and am afraid.. no amount of abilities, skills, wealth,position,power,status is going to help me change this external part.... and before i realized that mistake or deficiency, i have lectured on "the knots of peoples' nature".
i could have simply avoided stating useless things like am planning to go abroad in a few months time[avoidable], when there is not even in the most remote corner of my mind any such planned action or me being worthy of jobs abroad.... i just simply said that to boost the morale,to improve the image of this guy struggling, who will submit to a cheap and economic offer. may be the conversation could have been completed on the sheer stuff of inner and supra ideals that ultimately shape my decisions and leads me....... or i dont know, it seems it is a mistake to exaggerate i dont know mate you decide, the right or wrong of it, but as usual i have put forth the honest observations of what happened....... Om Namo Bhagawate. Deficiencies my Lord.
The whole episode on a retrospective introspection was completely a test of something more than the mere externals i was analyzing about...... of the larger things in life which i have not yet learned to consecrate and surrender which i thought they were done[ but not yet done] as is shown to me by the eventual turn of things as they unwrapped themselves........
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