inch by inch , inch by inch...... hopefully will reach and surpass, surmount, barriers even without any knowledge, strange life this that i live........ it is unusually underground, secretive ,relaxed and careless and fearful, and hopeful, but everytime still manages to drag on ...... my life..... is it spiritual, is it ordinary, is it trying to blur the dividing line, what is it??, that is trying to realize itself in my life????????, i will know for sure in the future...
by the way, hate love stories, they make my eyes moist and my heart emotional, i literally sobbed inside the theater , i find myself extremely emotional from outside, inside i got depth for sure............. i mean i do absorb quite a lot without complaining, strange me, strange my life, very very strange, i got work to do............... i got a life to stabilize first, then move onto other things this is the programme i have kept for myself...........
i cant believe am living in any higher consciousness, right now, but there's something that is trying to break in, that for sure i know, but that is not enough to say that one is born or destined for a higher life. Is my question wrong, is it not true that only the guy who makes a clear choice saying "i want the divine in life manifested..." has but a semblance of chance to manifest the higher consciousness in this life. And am not that guy who dares say it [ i did it once out of ignorance about the difficulties in the effort], let alone act on it, cos' am struggling and afraid and sometimes even turn bitter about having to be at logger heads with time, with society, with family, with money , with a career, i mean someone who's struggling with livelihood issues and practical concerns of life how does he hope for something more than himself, how can such a guy make that defenitive choice in life, NO CHANCE. answer my question lord.......................... i shall not trouble you....
meanwhile am continuing to press on the endeavor for one last push before i take the plunge in the JOB MARKET FOR A CAREER WITH LIVELIHOOD. i start this endeavor everytime like i have eternity at my disposal, seriously that is how i start this every time before it gets dragging on or obstructed by doubts, it seems like a marathon that never ends......... man this way is not for the weak at heart..... . its tough enough living in this world leave alone trying for the divine to manifest in it in all his glory. man . you already have to be like some kind of sage to be making a regular effort that's what mom says to quote her. am not a sage, neither do i want to be one. ijust seek a more harmonious way of learning stuffs and earning a living, and i saw a way that seemed okay to my soul, but working it out in life is a real pain real pain pain in everypossible states , mental vital, physical. But am compelled by my higher soul i take its every word seriously to act for the accomplishment of its vision in my klife, this is what am workin at in my life , it's such a struggle to see this happen in my life , tha ti say to myself am disgusted by the sheer choices that i have to make evry momone t to see to it tha this happens, i mean if i dont make a choice in favor of the souls vision i risk losing the soul drive in life, it's like something got hold of me and extracting this difficult work from me, it says to me there's no gain without pain, and i hate pain.
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